why are your knees so battered?

defeat.

2009-12-01T13:12:00.001+11:00

from now, I'm writing in a journal.

this blog lasted a good whole year.

maybe next time.

sharp little daggers.

2009-11-16T15:19:00.002+11:00

the ones we twist in each other because we know we can.

thanks for showing me that its easier to hurt someone, the more you care for them.
just, thanks.

devil's cup.

2009-11-08T13:29:00.002+11:00

its just another classic beauty and the beast.

I can't believe I'm still breathing, though right now everything would be easier if I stopped and just dropped dead.

giving up is easy.
giving up is easy.
giving up is easy.

because its been more than a week and you are nothing but mist when i am melting you are gone gone gone.

where are you, when I need you the most?
where are you, when I want you the most?
where are you, when
I stop breathing.

there were never tears like these.

2009-11-04T22:39:00.001+11:00

GOODBYE ENGLAND.

I believed in myself too, once.

decay diminish.

2009-11-01T22:29:00.004+11:00

person 1.
you said you'd care.
you said; we would stand there like we always would beneath and between high palm trees.
you said; I'll still be there in five, ten, twenty years.
you said; we'll always be best friends.
you said; we'll do everything together, we will be together, we are always together.
you said; you are my, and mine.
you said; I'll never let you fade away into the background of pixellated computer screens.
you said; you'll never just be another forgotten entry in the address book.
you said you said you said.
it has been barely two years.
what do you say now?

I know what I said.
I said I will always love, and be here for you, whenever you need me.
its all slipping away, beneath clouded mists of alcohol and laughter with people who don't know you like I do.
who do you think I am?
was it all nothing to you?
am I no-one to you?

person 2.
if you think you can spill honey coated daggers from pretty lips because the pain is worth the pleasure, think again.
if you think watching me out of the corner of your eye, trying to slip me these drugging hints, will make it better, think again.
if you think I don't notice it when you tell me of the crescent moon, and tell her of the full one, think again.
if you think you can rouse my feelings by speaking of how you rouse hers, think again.
if you think you can simply try to charm me with your words (or lack thereof) and your secret whispered moments and and your scrawled messages and your slight half smile and your careless shrugs, you might be right.

I would stay angry, but you always say the right things.
why am I the only one who did not get the script?

two months.
I never thought I would be able to post this.

but I won't stand for it, I will not.
for none of this.

the good of barbed wire.

2009-10-21T22:04:00.003+11:00

I cannot put it into words, I cannot stand it
why must the best way be the most heartbreaking;
the most
painful.

and the knowledge that it has all been my fault really just doesn't help things along.

lets keep it simple, lets keep it safe.

short posts for now.
exams ending on:

november 18th

until then, my life in shambles scramble.

broken leg.

2009-10-19T11:58:00.001+11:00

hello 100th post.

it matters.
you matter.
I matter.
mattering metaphorically makes me feel better.

so you make me feel better; but how does better really field?

dehydrate.

2009-10-11T22:17:00.002+11:00

so this is my ninety-ninth post and somehow this makes it special I suppose.

ninety nine red balloons in a sky of mine and shine.
do you know that things like that are called internal rhymes?
I'll rhyme for a dime in my own time.
hello little world I like to call lame and lonely.

because (sorry ninety-ninth post for stealing all your thunder) I am lonely.

not in the oh-my-god-she-sits-alone-at-lunch kind of thing because I will never sit alone at lunch, and anyway I don't care about sitting alone at lunch. I've done it enough times, and there's no big deal.
I'm lonely in the oh-my-god-I-haven't-spoken-to-him-in-a-week kind of lonely.

oh god, I haven't spoken to him in a week.

monstrous events.

2009-10-09T21:41:00.003+11:00

this is chill.
I'm chill.

I don't know, its like catching snowflakes on my fingertips and watching them melt away.
watching them melt.
away.

it has been a stressful past week; mainly due to how screwed up my computer has been, and the repercussions of not being able to contact people I can't bear missing even if its for a single day.
brought my lappie to the CCC about four times, and each time they just couldn't fix it, those nasty twits.
until ashie (indian guy) decided to wipe my hard drive clean to get rid of those eveel spywarez.
so he did.

now I'm stuck here with a computer I barely recognise, but with working MSN and a clean start.
its like taking your child away from you and replacing it with a newborn baby.
a new, clean slate, but its just not the same.
oh well, I'm giving this baby in about a month's time, so thats long enough for me to survive.

after that, well;

after that, I'm wishing on a star for a beautiful block of carved lightweight aluminium.
hello, macbook pro.

so I make light of things you say;
the thing you said.
I tease and push and pull and I meld,
but really, I'm trying to tear through thin sheets of mercury to get to your head.
inside, inside;
we're digging ourselves in deeper.

now I lose my focus and you lose your touch,
I cling to electrical boxes shaded in and coloured,
fitted together like you should me,
and every construction that requires more;
I reply within the hour.

you reply from within the heart.

I think you are -
beautiful, like how I would imagine the way dandelions sway;
lets tell the time.
lets tell of love,
lets be.

40 days.

swarm.

2009-10-05T19:30:00.005+11:00

I am so addicted to Swarm, its not funny;
thanks, Martina, for introducing this to me and feeding my innate homicidal tendencies.
its just so therapeutic, and stress-relieving, to throw people across my screen, and try to beat the splatter velocity.

I know you can't tell, but I took a ten minute break after that last paragraph to play Swarm again.

anyway.
a month till exams.
yeeehawwwww.
anyone as pumped as I am?

england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england.

hopefully.

because you make me want to curl every strand of hair I have around every third finger.
sometimes breathing is a luxury, because having you is a privilege.

in the house of flies.

2009-10-03T15:40:00.001+10:00

sharing,

is what I'd call the way we push our heads close together so your hair looks like my hair and my hair looks like you lost your razor again.

moving back tomorrow moving back tomorrow moving back tomorrow.

I always did things in threes.

hello.

2009-10-02T19:02:00.001+10:00

exams over for now.

november, here I come.

a full turn in the sky.

2009-09-27T17:53:00.003+10:00

hello, hello.

exams start tomorrow.
life is just as messy, but less so.

registered for the UKCAT, finally. everything's smooth for now. maths to try and bump up. then biology. fingers crossed, ah I wish I wish.
this UKCAT is important for king's but I'm considering applying to maybe somewhere else.
depends, depends.
I have to do well in finals.
have to get a minimum of 39.
I must.

one month.

I didn't know if I could make it to a month, but I have, and you have.
congratulations us.
I didn't tell you even though I know you wouldn't remember, because I know it doesn't matter to you.
it matters to me because I like knowing how much I've tried to do in how long.
the first week was rocky, I wasn't used to you.
I am now.
you can't hurt me like the way you did.
one month is one month,
we have about twelve more to go.

are you willing to do this?

because I don't know if I am.

responsibilities.

2009-09-22T06:51:00.002+10:00

this is all a big rushing mess in my head.

I have BMAT papers to put in, I have the UKCAT to sit for, I have everything inside my course and outside applications and exams and headaches.
mr. skelt hasn't put in my reference, I didn't give mrs. beer the material for mine, lost my ucas password, found my ucas password, need to complete a cambridge overseas form.

why must life be so difficult?
excuse me as I go shoot myself.

mother is here, and is helping/hindering as best as she can.
I love her;
but sometimes, really, its hard for me too.
this is why I can't go back.

I shouldn't be here, I should be completing the rest of my chemistry syllabus, and my spanish after that, and my english after that, and my biology, and maths, and history.

life is so full of shoulds and woulds that sometimes, people don't consider the whys.

they.

2009-09-19T11:19:00.005+10:00

in two hours and ten minutes, my soul will be sold.

its really amazing how pathetic I am.
pathetic.
pathetic.

I don't like the way you think you have any say in how I live my life.
because quite frankly, you don't.
a passing fancy might define me, but I know your large eyes and nervous tics, and I see what you think but I don't have to because in the end you say it all.
I don't want your thoughts.
they do nothing for me.

I do the worst things behind sheltered hands and dim lights;
I commit the worst crimes with a little lie and a solemn smile,
I make the worst wounds with blunt nails and hardened frowns.
you cannot presume to do to me what I have done to you.

I am pathetic.
pathetic.

its amazing the things you don't do that can rip my best friend and I apart.
I know its me but I want it to be you.
because blaming it on myself doesn't hurt as much as when I blame it on you.

I used to believe you were everything I hated.
its amazing how much you learn about yourself,
from what you're willing to compromise.

I will not hurt her again.

go away, go away, I don't want you, I never wanted you, I never asked for this.
you make me feel pathetic.
thanks.
thanks.

pathetic.

I don't like the way I'm fading.
I don't like the way I'm.
I don't like the way.
I don't like the.
I don't like.
I don't.
I.

pour some sugar on.

2009-09-16T22:00:00.004+10:00

god, I don't think I ask for much;
but I want James McAvoy.
please make it happen.

thanks in advance.

big city dreams.

2009-09-15T21:44:00.004+10:00

moved into own apartment with Pam.
finally, we're out of there.
I was about to suffocate. but its alright. they're always extremely nice to me. its just certain things that grate you know. oh well.
I bought fags; for the first time.
it was a little unsettling.
this is going to take some getting used to.

friday 25th september
beginning of my trials.
god forgive, I need to do this.
I need to do this well.

no-one fully understands my need to leave, outside my best friends of course.
come on, how can none of you not feel the urge to uproot, leave, and go go go?
I don't want to stay here.
not melbourne, not perth.
I don't want to stay.

they argue, but you've had good memories here, you fit in, how can you want to leave, you're comfortable, we accept you, we're your friends.
yes yes yes to it all, I know, don't you think I know?
but thats not the point.
I've loved it here, melbourne, everything about it.
then why leave, they ask, they look at me a little puzzled.

I am young.
its been two years here, two fantastic years, unforgettable.
two years like those I used to pray for.
but I want to go, I want to live while I can.
england if I can make it, oh, the pleasure.
but if not england, then somewhere else, another city, sydney, adelaide, brisbane, just not here.

I want to go.
staying is,
its;
its not what I want.
six years in england, then post-grad in america, oh oh oh heaven.
I want new.
different.
away.
far far far away.

its not a bad thing.
if I don't make it, I have no choice, and it will be only my fault.
but if I could.
oh, you couldn't catch me, I'm off off off.

something about trios makes me want to believe in faeries.

thank you for doing little things for me. I never appreciated them like this before, before when I was a little angry, blinded, bitter. I do want you. I want you very much. thanks for thinking of me, thanks for caring. thank you for your love. I hope thats what it is.

pressure now.

2009-09-13T20:54:00.003+10:00

I have even more motivation now to get into england.

this had better work.
we had better work out.
I had better work.

damn work.

two weeks.

tailor-made misery.

2009-09-12T10:55:00.003+10:00

~~where are you?~~
I know exactly where you are, and that is what bothers me.

again I lose my head.
rolling rolling
making making
love love.

Once she quoted destruction to my face,
I laughed and lost my saving grace,
And then I learnt the first mistake,
The good ones are never yours to take.

Once he smiled and looked me in the eye,
I shrugged and made no move to lie,
And then I gauged my second error,
In place of love there lies terror.

Once they turned to guide me with hands,
I strayed and refused to make amends,
And then I made my third blunder,
One loose thread, all rips asunder.

Once it all was torn down before me,
I stayed to mock needed charity,
And then I found my fourth fault,
Feel it deep or not at all.

Once I was challenged with these four wrongs,
I told them what I had known all along,
The final lesson I had yet to conceive,
For your flaws, you should never grieve.

ETA: today at the chinese restaurant for dinner, while we were waiting outside for a cab, a random woman came out for a fag.
in the five minutes that we were there, I found out that this woman:
1. had only been married to her husband for 6 months before he died
2. 12 days after his death, she found out she was pregnant

sometimes I meet people, and I don't know what to do.

pinnacle.

2009-09-10T19:40:00.002+10:00

so hello, legality.

why yes, I am an ardent Dali lover.
I'm not much into surrealism, but some aspects of it are very aesthetically pleasing.
for example, the lobster telephone, the Persistence of Memory, Galatea of the Spheres and a sketch whose name I have been looking for but can't seem to figure out.
there's just something about these works that root me to the spot, and I stare and I stare and I stare, and I just can't stop.

well, before anyone gets me into an in-depth discussion on Dali's hyper-realistic techniques and juxtaposition, I wanted to just say thank you.

thank you to my parents and brother for sending me those amazing cards. they were beautiful.
thank you to my best friends for the surprise cake and sitting around with me until one in the morning. you made the start to my eighteenth birthday the best ever.
thank you to my other friends who remembered, and came up to me and hugged me. it means a lot.
thank you to everyone who texted me or posted it on facebook. I know a few people would not have remembered but for facebook, but thanks for taking those couple of seconds to make me smile a little.
thanks to Shawn and Brandon for remembering, you guys are amazing.
thanks to him, although he might not have remembered, thanks for caring a little.

I am happy.
I am eighteen.

fog in the city.

2009-09-09T19:01:00.006+10:00

I find the strangest satisfaction in places better left alone.
oh, I'm sorry for doing that to you, but believe me, you made it necessary.
I will tell you when I think it'll be good.
I think I'll tell you today.
because no matter what, you are one of my best friends, and I will always love you.
you just make it so hard for the both of us sometimes.

today, I changed my facebook language from spanish to pirate, and I find spanish to be the easier read.
I could make my life easier and just switch to proper english, but where's the fun in that?

Dali exhibition tomorrow. I'm thrilled at the prospect. I mean, really, its Dali. Oh, and its also my birthday tomorrow.
Staying up until 12 tonight for the kicks.
Also because I just always wait up until 12 the night before my birthday.

so Pamela and I came up with a ninja brainwave;
and we're so ninja and stealthy that you won't know what it is.
keep waiting for it though,
when we finally get it done, my blog readers will be the first to know.
making it is going to be a blast.
can't wait.

because its you I lower my expectations and needs;
I won't be upset if you don't remember what tomorrow is.
I really won't.
(if I repeat this three times and draw a pentacle maybe it'll work)

I think I like what we have.
yes, I think I like it.

because I cannot fit this in a word.

2009-09-08T11:06:00.000+10:00

discuss the importance of war in the rise to power of

I'd like to write you on the back of postcards that I find at the bottom of rabbit holes.
I'd like to tell you that I think your smile should be at the bottom of a rabbit hole.

I'm tired, but when am I not tired these days.
sleep dust is such a constant these days that I can't remember what it was like to be fully awake (this has nothing to do with being fully alive, I never knew what that was).
then I think that its my fault I go to bed so late, my fault that I choose to wake up so early;
but it is really my fault that her name falls off the cliffs in my speech while I hope to god she dies.

and in school and in class I clap my hands together because it makes a sound that reminds me of all those times I lost him in crowded places.
I lost him, and I didn't care.
because what are sounds but things I never wanted to hear even when alone.

I keep this vacuum close to me and I like emptiness when its so full of everything I hate and like you.
would you understand this if I served it cold?
would you?

everytime my phone beeps its your girlfriend again, telling me things you should be saying.
I love you, you are loved, I want you, you are wanted, I need you here with me.
I don't have the heart to tell her I hate her, because its with you again.
I like blaming you for everything I do wrong, for my generalisations, my mistakes and my triumphs.

I don't know why I still call her your girlfriend.
war was the only thing that benefited me.
and the importance thereof.

language class is language class but they don't teach you important things like how to tell people what they want to hear.
do you tell me what I want to hear?
what do I hear?

causality.

2009-09-06T12:40:00.004+10:00

happy father's day.

so was yesterday a blast or what.
god.
okay, so birthday dinner was yesterday night and everything was really good, because we were all together having dinner for the first time in a long while.
yes for sentimentality; I'm allowed it because its my birthday week.

so the prep was the usual hit-and-run, because we were running really late and in the end GG, Kiz and I grabbed a cab to make the reservation time. Jen was out in the city already, Miki, Pam and Serena trained an hour late to get there.
but whatever about that.

GG allowed Pam to curl her hair and it was a blast.
damn that girl is pretty.
I hung around for 40 minutes waiting for Pam to do G's hair so she could fix my botched eye make-up. think shiny bronze eyeliner sloppily done on the right eye and randomly dotted on the left. I need new contacts.
dress was amazing, thanks again. god bless strapless bras and body tape.
and my aldo heels. oh yes. everyone needs aldo heels.
it was all good, but now I need a black trench.

then we got there, and I called my mother to get conf. conversation was such:

"Mom I need confirmation,"
"Okay,"
"Hey mom;"
"Yeah, what?"
"Can I have a drink?"
"One drink."
"Okay thanks,"
"Just one drink."
"Don't you trust me?"
"Eh. Yah. Okay. One"

its good to know my mother trusts me a little bit. its probably slightly misplaced, but I'm not going to be the one to tell her that.

had a margarita. good food. good conversation. good times.
I was afraid that Kiz wasn't having much fun though. sorry if you didn't fully enjoy yourself.
and Roz should have been there too. s'okay Roz. we're going on one of these weekdays for kim chi to celebrate hmm hmm hmm. good.

anyway, after dinner with the annoying melissa and her annoying face, we went to starbucks.
oh starbucks, the greatest place on the planet.
I tell the waitress, my name is Priya, P-R-I-Y-A.
I SPELT IT OUT FOR HER.
and guess how it turns out.
yes, really. and that sarha thing? that was supposed to be sarah. god bless.

haaaaaaaaaaah.

it was a great dinner.

the simple act of.

2009-09-05T15:30:00.002+10:00

this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.

this sucks.

this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.
this hurts.

being with you is like
tying a sinking ship to my ankles, then swimming for my life.

menage a trois.

2009-09-04T12:24:00.003+10:00

finally a friday again.

I managed to clinch reservations at the Mill, thank god, considering that I only managed to get it done yesterday. though we have to be there a couple of minutes earlier to make sure we get our table. but whatever. we're going be at the Mill! thats enough for me.

the sore point is, I still won't be able to order wine, even at my own 18th dinner. sickening. its alright I suppose. its not like I even like wine. but thats not really the issue; this is all a matter of principle, because I should be able to have alcohol at my eighteenth.

the only people who aren't technically 'legal' yet would be Pam and Kiz. at least I won't be last, hah.

I hate seas, and distances.

I won't have the usual girl dilemma of what to wear or any of that because Pam's birthday present is a multi-purpose worry alleviator. call her superwoman, please.

thanks for telling me.

oh, I'm pumped for tomorrow. pumpity pump-abump. thats me. aha. sometimes its funny how I can be sad and happy at the same time. colliding cars in my spinal cord to come up with all these things I get angry about.

I have eight weeks till the gallows and elysium, and everything is a mix of good and bad and things I shouldn't be thinking of in my head. isn't it funny how I always begin coherent then just disintegrate into mindless solecisms that only make sense if you read it left to right in mirrors?

here's the beginning of a letter I want to write:

stop it.

you are no way involved in this, so please back out.
I know that I was someone you usually did tell things to, and were very open with.
but excuse me if I'm not like that with you.

what I do is my business. I know that other people tell you things about it, but you two have been friends longer and closer than I have ever been with you and sometimes that rankles. I appreciate you trying to help, and caring about it;
but please.
this is not something I want to share with anyone else, this is not something I am inclined to discuss with anyone else. if I have problems, I will sort them out. if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I know you're only trying to help, but I am not like everyone else you've probably met.

I am not going to tell you about every little friction and spark that happens.
so please just stop, and spare me.

ETA: I just found out that Marlon Brando ate himself to obesity and eventually death.
Way to go about completely ruining my day.
Thanks a lot.

sidely.

2009-09-03T22:49:00.002+10:00

to answer a question:

yes, I took my cbox off my blog, and you can't comment on it either.

why?
because I don't want you to comment.
simple as that.

paper moon.

2009-09-03T18:16:00.002+10:00

you know, there really is nothing more satisfying than drinking cold chocolate milk straight out of the carton.
sometimes I deceive myself enough to think that its only the simple things in life that I want.

today we watched Streetcar Named Desire. I really want to go watch the real thing now, even though it is slightly disturbing that I can mouth the words as they are spoken on stage.
Marlon Brando is god, so the actor today just fell flat for Stanley;
but really, the guy who played Mitch? hello there gorgeous.
the Blanche today was much better than Vivien Leigh. Leigh is too breathless, her sexuality repressed just makes her seem like a little girl.
Stella was whatever.

then we went to Soda Rock and laughed at Roz all the time (because Roz, you really are dense sometimes), then we figured out how to get back by missing three trams and walking all the way down to Scotch, where the lock-down was yesterday.
hah, lockdowns and bomb threats.
all in a days work.

speaking of which;

you think you won.
you always think you win.

I sit there across from you, my heart breaking a little every time you inflict the full force of your sarcastic, demeaning smile upon me.
and you know this because of all the experience you have
I can watch your lips curve around the edges of your words, for so long, and with every syllable you aim for bullseye;
no matter that you do it it, point blank, every time you shoot.
no matter that it pleases you somewhat, with my shrugs for trophies, lining your triumphant expression like I would line your glass with cyanide.

because the worst part is that after every time you manage to so completely shred my trust in you, I forgive you, because I love you blindly, and much more than my foolish overtures can account for.

this time, I cannot say I was prepared, but I can say that you took a long shot that fell too far off.
you think you might have scored once again, leaning back in your seat to enjoy another one of my awkward smiles, thinking to place another laurel upon your brow.

but this time, no, I thwarted you, you can have all the expressions you want from me, take them as they come please, and twist whatever meaning you want from them.
but I keep my silence, and with it my knowledge, and this is what I can truly say to you right now;
I have more than you assume I do.

well then, aside from that, I have made my peace with both the people I mentioned in yesterday's posts.
see, it is possible for even me to be mistaken.
not my opinions though, of course.

everything's perfect on the wrong day again.

the second coming.

2009-09-02T11:50:00.001+10:00

of christ.

I know I've been horrible at updating, but bear with me yeah.
lots of things have happened, most of which I obviously do not plan on reliving, but whatever.

its almost a week till I turn 18.
I can't believe I wanted this so much when I was 11. just puts things into perspective, doesn't it? things that meant so much more before just holds nothing for me now.
I mean, its exciting and everything, turning 18, the big legal emancipation thing, but whatever.
it just means that now I'm actually allowed, by the law, to do the things I've always done anyway.

I don't need anyone's permission, so keep it.

now, over the past week, I've come across two major things that friends of mine have posted on their blogs that affected me greatly.

the first thing I will not mention, because my anger has abated and now I only feel sympathy, or pity, for her who could actually believe enough in such lies to pen her support for them with such righteous passion.
I felt a little betrayed by it. she's one of those few people I thought had enough sense to see and realise what was really happening.
obviously, I was misled.
this will not impact our friendship in any way. I should have known, taking into account our differences in background and current situations, that you would feel that way, and I would feel this.
I'm sorry for judging you.
I still think I'm right though.

secondly;
I was so touched by what you wrote about me. its a pity we don't talk about it, and I know what its like to not be able to say things. I'm glad you wrote it for me though, and I'm glad I know how you feel. it completed me a little bit more inside reading about it, and us.
thank you.
I wrote a little thing for you and posted it on Facebook, I don't think you read it, but whatever.
here it is again anyway:

I just read it. And it was my fault as well. I know you would probably pass over this, because its what we do to each other these days. They were real to me, and it was my fault, my fault for believing too much. You were always more grounded. We were children. We aren't anymore, and that changes everything, but thank you.
I do love you.

I need to call the Mill to make reservations for my birthday dinner this Saturday.
Complications, complications.

I hate time zone differences.

make it simple.

2009-08-31T20:30:00.002+10:00

I want to tell you and you and you and you and you about everything that happened and everything that is happening but I can't because you'll judge me like you always do.

crossed fingers and legs that this will be alright.
tell me its alright.

day 1.

gallows.

2009-08-27T15:24:00.001+10:00

hang me.

because if that is lost.

2009-08-20T14:02:00.003+10:00

STOP TELLING ME YOU LOVE ME.

because you don't.
can't pretend when I know, can't be that when I know, I see it coming, oh, velocity and momentum.
you're going to drown again.
you're going down again.

I'd write you a poem because sometimes you make me feel like I can do so much more than I really can.
let me be my own atlas, my world does not belong to you.

and when we speak of evolution in the broadest terms, I think of seven million years of accumulation of adaptations, all wasted on you and you don't even know I think it behind your back.
are you even real?
I'd like to touch you but when try you say not to, then when I draw away you call me back, you say 'touch me'.
but now I won't touch you what is there to touch between all these unspoken distances that stretch under the telephone poles; everything about this keeps us apart.

everything about this keeps us from each other; and that is why we want each other so much because its something we can never have.

and you'll read this and you'll think, this girl is in love, but thats wrong and it will always be, because there is nothing like love, and I always seem to miss out on everything that matters.

you can keep your love and all those thoughts that leak out slowly through that hole in your head that allows you to walk upright.
I'll stay between dusty bookshelves and make up stories to keep my hybrid of a brain running.

save the world.

fighting among the lanterns.

2009-07-17T22:36:00.002+10:00

I know I'd never talk about you and you'd be secret inside here for me all for me and only me because thats what you are.

a secret.

and telling other people would make you less of a secret and more of a truth but do we really want truth when we can be so content with our own little secrets.
if you weren't a secret I'd want you more and less but so much more and less again and you make my head whirl with all the things we say and never say oh why can't this be easy.

you make it so hard to be easy.
because you are contradictions, you are me.

and I hate how you're me and I'm you and I see but I don't see oh you see there I go again.
and again and again and again it whirls why won't it stop?
tie me paper lanterns to paper lightbulbs because you never really were there (are you here) and you want to shield me from reality;
but you are reality, and you're keeping me away from you.

(I replace angels on christmas trees with stars because sometimes I want you to fall.)

its so easy peasy pie to keep us separate but why keep it between (us) corners and clefts and you're the only thing I ever wanted to hide in.
stop hiding again.

I rant and ramble but I don't run.

why do you run?

step up.

2009-06-21T20:20:00.003+10:00

ETA: Picture removed.

~~Twitter update: BAH HUMBUG I still don't have a picture of my new hair.~~

En esta foto...

I've been thinking too much about my Internal assessments lately, bah.
But in this picture, my eyes are too wide I think.
And my nose looks big from the side.
AH WHTVR.

I really wanted to go watch August: Osage County with Martina, but she's going to for it on moving night.
Which reminds me.
THANK GOD I GOT A BIG ROOM.
Serena's room right now, actually.
I don't have to huddle into a claustrophobic space like the one Su's got for the rest of the year.

I actually had a lot of things to say, but somehow right now I can only fixate on the fact that my last blog entry was a complete deviation from my definition of normal.

I had wanted to review another book, which is Angelica by Arthur Philips but I can't really be bothered at the moment, so go and read it yourself.
Its amazingly good.

You know, I suppose some people might ask a very pertinent question, which would be:
'Why is it every time you review a book, your verdict is that it is mind-blowingly fabulous? Aren't you supposed to give bad reviews too?'

The simple answer to that, my questioning reader, is that I very rarely pick up a book which has not been recommended to me or has not been well-reviewed before.
I tend to research extensively and look up books I want to read next, and then I find them in e-book format, or buy them.
Or I take the books on the word of certain very trusted people's recommendations.
So most of the time, I am very satisfied with what I have chosen to read.

There are of course, exceptions, such as Twilight.
And a little more recently, Prep, by Curtis Sittenfeld.
At one point, I picked up Allison Croggon's first novel in the Pellinor series, but couldn't get through the first two chapters.
So I didn't read it.
And hence can't review it, badly or not.

So there.

I'll tell you why the tower leans in Pisa.

2009-06-12T13:32:00.002+10:00

breaking news from Priya's twitter:
Priya is currently stalking Taylor Swift and Cam Gigandet on Twitter.

its addictive, though I'm only allowed 140 characters.
micro-blogging, pah.

this weekend is looking to be very good, but you and I both know that the mirror might not be two-ways.
though I'm going to be spending it with Pam at Moreton's and Aunt Jenny's and we're going to end up not doing any work but tangled up in mattresses reading books about horses and Spain and girls who shouldn't be doing what they are doing.

I've been in a really weird mood recently and I don't know how to put it down but here it is anyway: I found that I'm not who I think I am or thought I was or will think I will be because I did something I thought I'd never do.

now they're outside singing happy birthday to some kid I don't know and don't care about.

here I want to be the girl I always am in my head, my homunculus, raven-haired beauty with dazzling eyes but the best I can get is an afro frizz with an over-eyelined stare; and that's not bad because it is who I am, just a different me.
I never tell you whats really in my head because its all a trick of the light;

please stop talking about how depressed you are.
I know you're all tortured on the inside.
but just stop it.
I cannot take how much you pity yourself-
STOP WRITING ABOUT IT.
kaythanks.

no I'm not depressed or will be again after the last time I'm just free with my words because they cost me nothing but they tax you like your income has no boundaries.
and we both know you have no limits anyway.
I would hate being you;
being me is hard enough.

and you are like everything I never had, you stay with me and you like me and I don't know why but you're my best friend and I want you to know that because you should know that there's a name for what you do.
lets keep it a secret between us but I like you too and you and you and you and though I might talk about you behind your back I only do it because you know I do it.
and you are everything I love about this place.
everything that I wanted from here I received, not in the way I had imagined as I stepped off the plane but Timbuctoo is too far away and you give me everything I'd asked for.

so let's put it this way;
I'll never leave you or betray you and though we will have to part after and we both know that that will be the end, you made a huge difference.
our similarities were never in the question.
I see you in the corner of my eye.

back through the door, stupid pigeon.

2009-06-09T20:29:00.001+10:00

I just signed up for twitter.
so god shall curse my name and strike me with lightning tenfold.

just had an amazing catch-up session with my karate biffle Pathma; (sorry I can't get over how Mikella just cannot stand it when I say biffle; its become a habit).
But its refreshing hearing about all the stupid things Duck, Jill and etc. do and making very mean fun of everything.

A bird just flew into the dining hall and flew straight into the window.
things like this just make my day.
though its making a lot of noise slamming into windows and its beginning to annoy me.

I don't know if I mentioned this, but I've cut my hair.
And I've lost my first kiss.

this is an insignificant post about insignificant things and I'm allowed to do this because its my blog and I feel like being insignificant so deal with it.

the fire in my loins.

2009-06-07T10:48:00.002+10:00

/hiatus thanks.

anyway, my exams are over and now I can resume my usual blogging activities, which include, whining, complaining, bitching, criticising and reviewing books/make-up.
and of course my first return post would be about a book.

Trust me though, Lolita isn't just any book.
Its a masterpiece.

Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov, revolves around its main character, Humbert Humbert and his paedophilia; and eventually his lust for the 12-year old Dolores Haze, also affectionately known as Lolita.

I cannot begin to describe to you how artfully and completely this book tore my emotions to tatters and shreds.
I found myself nodding scandalised assent to so many things I would have scowled at in disgust if I had come across them in newspapers.
But no, instead of contempt I found I could only find sympathy and understanding for Humbert as he lusted and wasted all his affections on Lolita.
But Lolita herself;
The thing about this book that left me in tears was the effective ruin of a normal childhood for Lolita.
And in the very end, you cannot find a single person to blame, though you wish and want with everything you have to pin the monstrosity of the destruction of both child and man onto one single person.

In this case, I cannot point out to you one particular thing that I like, seeing as everything ties in together to create a battering ram of emotions and morals.
The language is beautiful though, and even if I hated the book for its disturbing subject matter, I could not say a single word against Nabokov's use of the English language.
But I cannot hate the book, how could I hate something that could render me so emotionally drained in 300 pages?

I need to read something sickeningly fantastical to rid myself now of the pyschological burden of this book.

monkey rides galore.

2009-05-16T11:20:00.002+10:00

as you've probably noticed, I haven't been updating.

hiatus until after my mid-year exams.

but the rain.

2009-05-04T22:09:00.002+10:00

sometimes I think I want there to be trouble so that I can prove I'm the better person and turn you and your petty personality away.

I want to be deep like everyone else seem to be on their blog but for some reason it evades me.
so instead of being poetic I shall sit here in front of my incredibly slow internet connection and wait for Facebook to upload my afterparty pictures.

and I know that in the end Facebook won't upload them.

cause no one dances like its nothing.

2009-05-03T20:37:00.003+10:00

ETA: Pictures removed.

formal was pretty much amazing.
and the after party was great too.
my friends are just great fun.

duke.

2009-04-21T09:38:00.002+10:00

back in melbourne.

god, this feels good.

when pigs fly.

2009-04-15T12:50:00.003+10:00

I was having a perfectly good night.
It was all going peachy and everything.
Dinner with the family, then a quick trip over to IGA for some groceries, and we were heading back home.

And suddenly, in the middle of the conversation, my father turns to my mother, and tells her in this low voice which surprisingly enough can be heard by my brother and I in the back;
"Darling, Priya bought some bacon,"

cringecringecringe.

Immediately, the whole familial atmosphere just froze over, and went about 100 degrees southwards.
damn.

Anyway, now that I've recovered from that mental blow, here's the most adorable video ever.

what you wish for.

2009-04-13T13:33:00.004+10:00

A snippet from a text conversation with Pam who is in Barcelona at the moment.

"How's Spain?"
"Beautiful, with beautiful (on the inside) people, but its wet and cold and I'm sick. How's your, uhm, life?"
"I spend most of my time on my computer in my room with a large amount of unfinished homework. Not to make you jealous of course. Any hot Spaniards?"
"Are you kidding? What part of 'beautiful on the inside' do you not get? They are all short, squat and stocky. But very nice and well-mannered,"

Its moments like these which make me miss my best friend.

I was just thinking, while laboriously washing the dishes, about how different Melbourne was from Perth and how I couldn't wait to get back there because I could actually orient myself around Melbourne and not feel like a misguided homing pigeon.
I feel that that's an oxymoron, but that's what I feel like.
Anyway.

As the soap suds starting foaming a little, I realised, actually realised, that I live in Australia.
No seriously folks;
If you haven't noticed, I live in Australia.

Well, you probably have, but its taken me over a year and a half to actually understand that yes, I live in Australia.

Here's the thing;
When I was younger, and still a little crabstick in Malaysia, I was always fantasising about moving away, to another country.
Namely Australia.
I had this whole movie in my head where I'd move to Australia, become incredibly pretty because it was the Malaysian humidity that was affecting my complexion, develop a fantastic fashion sense, attract an iron-hold group of amazing friends, graduate, and go on to live a perfect life.

Well.
It never happens the way you want it to.

Become incredibly pretty?
I wish I could confidently check this box off with that red sharpie.
I can't, because like every other average female on this planet, I do have gripes with the way I look.
But I can say that my self-esteem level has risen because of better skincare and clothing style.
Which brings us to;

Fantastic fashion sense?
Maybe not fantastic, but improved?
Certainly.
In fact, I'm far out embarrassed, thinking about how I used to dress in my pre-Australia period.
Check.
And I only have my cling-clang little group of misfits to thank;
And that reminds me of;

Group of amazing friends?
CHECKCHECKCHECK.
One of the things that make me balk at the idea of going back to Malaysia is losing my friends in Melbourne.

So maybe I didn't get everything I wanted exactly the way I wanted;
But when I think about it now.
Maybe I did.

always a left.

2009-04-10T17:00:00.002+10:00

Ladies,
may I introduce you to my new god?

Meet M.A.C. Studio Sculpt SPF 15 Foundation.
Now prepare to genuflect and worship.

Before I start this propaganda effort, I should probably begin by telling you about the first time I was actually allowed to take a bus in Perth by myself.
It began by me waiting at a bus-stand, getting on the bus, getting off the bus, and making my way to my destination (Westralia Square).
Amazingly simple and uncomplicated.
I wish my mother thought the same.

Anyway, I met my mother at her office, then while she did some bank stuff, I waltzed over to the end of Hay Street Mall where the other store of MeccaCosmetica was located.
To my dismay, even they did not have the Stila Smoky Eye Palette in stock.
Now I have to scout Melbourne; but even my beloved city might not have it.

My mother caught up with me, and I dragged her into David Jones so I could finally, finally get M.A.C.
She wasn't very impressed by my flourishing description of how M.A.C. was practically the Prophet of All Make-Up That Ever Was, Ever Is And Ever Will Be, but she took my word for it.
I, of course, being me and in essence careful about what exactly I spend on, had researched every single foundation out there, narrowed it down to M.A.C., then looked up all of the seven or eight types of foundation they had, and zeroed onto Studio Sculpt.

So I told the MUA that I wanted Studio Sculpt, but needed colour matching, and she agreed (obviously).
So I sat in a pretty black chair in front of one of those photoshoot sort of mirrors and let her pat away at my face, trying to find the perfect shade.
She found it, and it was beyond perfect.
I swear.
(I'm going to skip the rave revies for the moment though.)

Even my mother couldn't deny that it looked fantastic.
I decided to take advantage of that.

"So, Ma, what are you using now, Body Shop?"
"Yes, how did you know?"
"I saw the mineral foundation on your dresser. I hate mineral make-up, its too heavy and cakey,"
"Yes..."
"You should get this M.A.C. foundation, Ma, I can barely feel like its there!"
"Really?"
"Yes, and it doesn't it look so good?"
"Well yes, it does,"
"So you should get one!"
"Umm...why not..."
[mother seats herself in chair and asks the MUA to match foundation for her skin tone.]

And that was how I managed to get my mother to buy herself M.A.C. foundation.
Turns out that our foundation shades are exactly the same, according to the MUA:

"It seems like your skin tones are very different, your mother's is more of a golden undertone, but you have much more warmth"

I'm not going to pretend I actually understand that, but okay.
So my mother got herself foundation and concealer while I practically leapt for the foundation and their liquid eyeliner.

My make-up wishlist now looks like this:
1. Stila Smoky Eye Palette
2.~~M.A.C. Studio Sculpt Foundation~~
3.~~M.A.C. Penultimate Eye Liner~~
4.~~Philosophy Never Let Them See You Shine Velvet Touch Primer~~
5.~~Body Shop Eyeshadow Brush~~
6.~~Body Shop Foundation Brush~~

So, Priya, why are you so mad about this M.A.C. Studio Sculpt Foundation?

For a few reasons.

1. It feels as if I have nothing on my face at all. My former Body Shop make-up was a little cakey and heavy, and though I might not have looked like I was wearing a mask (I hope) I felt like I was wearing one.

2. It blends so perfectly well with my skin tone. All other foundations I have used or sampled, I could see the difference in the colour even as I diligently attempted to blend it into my skin. even with my Body Shop one, I always add a layer of dark pressed powder to ensure that it doesn't look fake.

3. It doesn't rub off that easily. I hate how I would put my fingers up to my face to brush a strand of hair of, and when I take my fingers away, the tips are stained with the colour of my make-up and foundation. And sometimes when I accidently brush against someone else's white sleeve, there's a telltale brown streak left behind. Not so with the Studio Sculpt. Of course my loose powder still smears sometimes, but not my foundation.

After all that, do you still need any more convincing?

productiveness.

2009-04-08T18:28:00.002+10:00

is always relative.

anyway I spent most of today attempting to analyse why Chekhov did so-and-so for his set design and costumes, and the other half trying to get as much make-up as I could.
I'm sure noone here wants to hear about the details of the significance of pauses in the play The Cherry Orchard, so.

Dad took my brother and I to Garden City today.
(for the non-Perthians, that's practically the biggest suburban mall that Perth has. And its single story. Yes. I am deprived.)
My goal was to get all the make-up I could get today, and leave the M.A.C. stuff for when I actually went to the city tomorrow.

So I waltzed over to Body Shop and inspected their make-up and their new collections.
I wasn't too impressed with their colour selection for eye-shadows;
they didn't even have a shade of black.
I wasn't there for their eye-shadow though, I was there to obtain an eye-shadow applicator brush and a foundation brush.
Ka-ching.
Eye-shadow brush was $18 bucks and the foundation brush was $25.
Luckily I had done all my research on price tags way before.

So because I was a prepared little piglet, I made a beeline for the next stop, MeccaCosmetica.
There was this adorable gay dude who asked if I needed any assistance.
I didn't actually, I was there for two things; namely:
Philosophy Never Let Them See You Shine Velvet Touch Primer
and
Stila Talking Smoky Eye Palette.
but he didn't know that and I decided to just humour the adorable gay dude (A.G.D.) and let him talk me through product reviews.
which he did admirably, but he was pretty much boycotted when I charmingly but firmly insisted that I was more interested in Philosophy than NARS.
I think I disappointed him, but oh well.
Life's like that.
And they were out of stock for the Smoky Eye Palette but A.G.D. tried to call up their other store on Hay Street for me to check if they had any left, though he couldn't get through.
I told him I was going there the next day though, so he just told me where the store was.
And started asking me about my weekend and things.
If only he was straight.

I attempted to look for the books I wanted in Dymock's.
But I was so disgusted when I realised that they also classified 'fantasy' under 'science fiction' that I couldn't stand it and had to walk out.
It's a matter of principle.

Anyway, this means that I can cross off three things from my make-up wishlist, and those are:
1. M.A.C. Studio Sculpt Foundation
2. Stila Smoky Eye Palette
3. M.A.C. Penultimate Eyeliner
4. ~~Philosophy Never Let Them See You Shine Velvet Touch Primer~~
5. ~~Body Shop Eyeshadow Brush~~
6. ~~Body Shop Foundation Brush.~~

I shall review all these products once I get them, with pictures.
I doubt anyone would actually read my make-up reviews, but oh well.
My blog.

luxurious maybe.

2009-04-06T11:49:00.004+10:00

Back in Perth.

I spent my weekend attending the two-day MedEntry UMAT seminar.
It was very informative and I actually got a lot for it.
also discovered that I'm not as stupid or hopeless as I seem.

What actually happened during the seminar between me and S is a whole different story, and not one I'm willing to go into now.
I know I mentioned S to one or two people who were online at the right time.
But.
Pam called me yesterday from Paris and that was the second time I actually talked to someone about S.
The first time being with Jen who was at the seminar with me.
Pam is the last person who is going to hear about S.
So please don't ask.

To cheer myself up, here's a list of everything I want to get while in Perth this time around.

books.
1. Princep's Fury by Jim Butcher.
2. In Cold Blood by Truman Capote
3. The Silence of The Lambs by Thomas Harris

That's what I have so far.

make-up.
1. M.A.C. Studio Sculpt Fluid Foundation. [$51] (Myers, Murray Street)
2. Philosophy Never Let Them See You Shine Velvet Touch Primer [$42] (Myers, Garden City)
3. Stila Smoky Eye Palette [$42.50] (@MeccaCosmetica, Garden City)
4. M.A.C. Penultimate Eye Liner [$32] (Myers, Murray Street)
5. Eyeshadow [$18] and foundation [$25] brushes (Body Shop)

Because I actually do have some scraps of conscience, and they were activated after I scanned my compiled 'to-get' makeup list, I took out my amazing maths skeelz brain and realised that I plan to spend about $210 just on make-up.
My formal dress cost me $289.

I feel kind of bad; but hey.
The parents did say that they would get it for me.

Notice that I didn't bother calculating how much I'd spend on books.
That would be because I would spend a million bucks on books without batting an eyelash.
And this is an inherited attitude.

it was no joke.

2009-04-01T13:05:00.001+11:00

LOL YOU JUST GOT SHOT BY THE RUSSIAN ARMY.
JUST KIDDING.
APRIL FOOLZ.

amazing joke last year in history with Rachel.
you had to have been there.

anyway, nothing really happened today;
even though I was expecting fireworks or something because it was April Fool's.
goes to show you can never rely on people when you need them the most.

I spent lots of time with my Joseph today.
as I always do when he's around.
he's amazing, cynical, and he gets my jokes.
and he has the cutest innocent puppy face I have ever seen.
okay, I lie, I have seen cuter ones, but who cares?

Its such a pity that Joseph is only eight years old.
ten years older and I would have married him on the spot.

but paedophilia aside;
he really makes childcare bearable for me.
what normal eight-year old knows how to use sarcasm?
and he's cynical, for god's sake.
he's EIGHT.
(turning nine on April 20th, I have to get him something. he is my favourite.)

For all the other kids in childcare, I have to be somewhat patronising.

"Oh Amy, that's a beautiful drawing you've got there!"
"Yes Xavier, that is the best paper aeroplane I have ever seen. Did you make it?"
"Of course not, Reanna, I think you're the most gorgeous girl ever!"

Not so with Joseph.

On a discussion of whether or not Ruby was the most adorable five-year old I've seen;
"Priya, I can't believe you actually think Ruby is cute. I think I'm cuter,"
"Joseph, anything is cute compared to you."
Joseph puts on aforementioned irresistible puppy-innocent face.
"Joe, that really doesn't work on me,"
"Doesn't it? It works on all the other teachers. Suckers,"

Does that even SOUND like an eight-year old to you?

If I have a son, I want a Joseph clone.
Please God, hear my prayer.

toady.

2009-03-31T18:32:00.002+11:00

I couldn't resist posting this up.
Here is an extract of a conversation between Martina and I, hurridly scribbled and passed across to each other during Maths.

Martina; Priya

She has a boyfriend.
OMG. Rly? Who could put up with her?
EXACTLY. Who would ask her out at all? Who would consider it? Which escaped asylum pyscho?
Do you think he'll eat her? Or make her into clothing?
Or pickle her severed head, and keep the rest of her body in a funeral hearse in an abandoned storage unit?
Possibly. Though that really should have happened by now. Maybe he's also blind and deaf?
There was a Terry Prachett book where a toad had been enchanted into a prince. Maybe the same thing has happened here. I mean, like attracts like.
So you mean he's equally obnoxious and desperate? I find it hard to believe that its even possible.
I can't think for any other explanation, so for now, until a more suitable theory is proposed, they are both toads.

We never pretended to be amazingly nice people.
I'd be much prepared to put anyone who thinks so a-right.

matador.

2009-03-31T08:01:00.004+11:00

Because I feel bored to death everytime my Spanish teachers asks us to write journal entries.
And I sit there in front of my computer staring at bloody idiotic Microsoft Word trying to find a way to describe my childhood in the most number of words possible.
Attempting to figure out the difference between indefinite past tense and definite past tense.
It feels like such a chore.

So me, with my brilliant ideas and innovative thinking, decided to come up with something that would make the Spanish journal entries less of a massive migraine.
Thinking deeply about what I could do to actually make me sit down and write in Spanish;
I hit a brainwave.

just blog it.

I don't have to post as often as I do with this one (if you could call my posting here 'often').
I just have to put something in at least once a week.
And it could be about anything I want.

Anyway, I made the blog, which is called Luminosa, and is in my links section.

I was having problems with Blogger and posting yesterday with both my blogs, so I haven't posted anything of substance yet.

But I shall later today.

I don't expect anyone to read it;

In fact, I'm sure no one will.

Aside from Mikella maybe.

But who cares?

material lust.

2009-03-29T13:12:00.003+11:00

layout change!

I bought a new eyeshadow palette from Sportsgirl for 10 bucks, and a shimmer stick, also from SG, also for 10 bucks.

the palette has four different shades of bronze/brown, ranging from a dark mocha tone to a light champagne colour.

I had to get it as soon as I saw it, I mean really, it was dirt cheap, all the shades suited my skin tone and current neutral, minimalist mood.

there was this adorable make-up artist in the cosmetics section who offered to show me how to use it.

so she sat me down, and cheerfully babbling away all the while, she dabbed come colour on my eyes with the thinnest eyeshadow brush I'd ever seen.

she lined my top lids with glittering black-and-gold eyeliner. I was really pleased when she complimented me on how I had applied my staple liquid eyeliner to my bottom lids.

anyway, when I glanced into a mirror after she was content with what she had done to my face; it was really quite amazing.

I just wasn't too fond of the black-and-gold glitter thing on my eyelids, but of course, thats me in my whole nude/natural makeup phase.

what I loved though, was when she pulled out this shimmer stick thing, and dragged it down my cheekbones.

I don't use blush, because I think it looks strange when there's this sudden rash of pink across my cheeks, especially with my skin tone.

but I literally pounced on this product (Sportsgirl Cheekmate) when I saw how it looked on my skin tone.

there are two shades of this shimmer stick, and obviously I opted for the darker one.

however, its not that dark, its merely bronzy-ish and has pale pink undertones to it.

you're supposed to blend it on as you do a blush.

the shimmer stick is more creamy though, and much easier to blend across the facial features.

I love it though, because though it doesn't give me the pinkish sort of effect that an ordinary blush/cheek stain would, it adds radiance and glow to the apples of my cheeks, with a hint of a golden shimmer.

I prefer it over any other blush I've ever used.

I've been thinking.

its my eighteenth birthday this year, and traditionally, an eighteenth birthday marks the official passing from childhood to adulthood.

this usually means parents giving the new eighteen-year-old pretty fancy presents.

mikella waltzed into my room the other day with an array of Tiffany's jewellery that she was looking up online; and asked me my opinion of all the pieces she had shortlisted.

I gave her my due opinion, then asked her why she as looking up Tiffany's, of all things.

she replied that for her 18th, her mother had agreed to buy her something from Tiffany's. any piece she wanted, her mother would get.

my jaw dropped.

Tiffany's for her eighteenth?!

just... whoa.

but it got me wondering what I myself would actually like for my eighteenth.

the only thing I could come up with was M.A.C. makeup and a macro lens for my camera.

the makeup I can sort of buy without even needing to ask for it as a present.

the camera lens has already been promised to me without me needing to request it for my birthday.

hence, I have come to the saddening, yet somehow admirable conclusion that;

I don't want anything for my eighteenth.

strange.

but I feel like they'd be spending so much already for my seminars, and for my formal and all that.

I don't need or want anything else.

when my parents hear this, they'd probably faint with relief and astonishment.

i'm done having nothing.

2009-03-28T17:20:00.003+11:00

if you haven't realised, I spend all of my time online doing one of only five things online.

1. read ebooks.
2. look up the latest cosmetics and thier reviews.
3. blog.
4. flip through twilight parody comics.
5. browse photography.

it gives me great confidence to say that my social activities are vastly more varied.
I have at least seven 'safe' topics to discuss in polite society.

anyway, pam is leaving for her european art tour tonight.

staying up until 5am so I can see her off.

do you know what regally annoys the heck out of me?

the first thing people say when pam says that she'll be gone for four weeks is;

'omg, what will priya do without you?'

seriously.

I know we're best friends and everything, but has everyone forgotten that I have a group of friends whom I love spending time with?

I don't rely on pam for spiritual guidance or breathing instructions.

I hate it that people immediately assume that I'm dependent on her in some way.

I have Miki, Jen, GG, Kiran, Serena and people in day school too.

actually, I am in fact the person in our little clique who is the least willing to go out on weekends.

I keep to myself alot, and stay cooped up in my room.
in fact, an entire day can go pass where I don't talk to Pam.

for god's sake.

I get annoyed pretty easily with people outside my friendship group.

as Jen so eloquently puts it,

'who do we actually like?'

a touch of enchantment.

2009-03-26T15:12:00.003+11:00

review post.

The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher.

In one word.
Amazing.
But if I was to not restrict myself to only one adjective, I could go on and on and on.

Extremely witty repartee makes Butcher's modern fantasy series an absolute delight to read.
The main character, Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden (I know I could have just put it as Harry Dresden, but with a name like that, who would); is very close to my heart. Insolent, chivalrous, and however much he resents it; charismatic, Dresden plows through danger and delight alike with his rather raw approach to life.
The Dresden Files is a blend of magical fantasy and modern detective fiction, with the stories centering around Dresden, who offers his services as an investigative wizard.
I love how fresh Butcher's approach to this genre of fantasy is. Yes, he has vampires, yes he has fairies, yes, his wizard carried a staff, but to all these relatively overused elements, he adds a dimension to them that entrances the reader, pushing them into looking at these recycled elements with new eyes.

I, for one, am very sure that when someone ever mentions vampires, the first character to pop into mind is Butcher's suave vampire Thomas.

Sexy, sometimes conventional as vampires go, but has much more depth than any Cullen would ever be able to muster.

And it wasn't enough that The Dresden Files knock me completely off my feet, but after Butcher's inspiring writing, I decided to sample his more traditional fantasy series, The Codex Alera.

Boy, was I not disappointed.

If I allow myself to give into ranting about the mind-boggling amazingness of The Codex Alera, I'll never be able to finish this post.

So just take my word for it, walk out there, and build a shrine for Jim Butcher.

Because he deserves it.

I swear.

2009-03-25T21:50:00.001+11:00

I'm trying.

I actually really am.

please please please try too.

it occurs to me that.

2009-03-23T09:36:00.003+11:00

Jason Mraz isn't all that bad looking.
with his boyish sort of charm.

but he's nothing.

I repeat.

nothing.

on Oli Goodwill.

letters in lipstick.

2009-03-12T21:30:00.004+11:00

anyway, someone asked me about my makeup, what I have and what I do with it.
so here goes.

in the spotty makeup bag.
(everything is from Body Shop unless otherwise stated.)

foundation. because really, a makeup kit is nothing without one.
concealer.
pressed powder. I love pressed powder. I wear it daily, to school, if I'm stepping out. anywhere.
loose powder. I have two different shades.
blush. its not Body Shop, I don't know what it is. rose coloured, it was my mom's.
brown lip gloss. to match my natural skin tone.
three types of plumpy pink lip gloss. one brown lip gloss.
two shimmer lip glosses. one from Body Shop, one from Red Earth.
mascara, from L'Oreal. the double extension type.
black pencil eyeliner, from Stage.
black liquid eyeliner. my favourite of the lot.
bronze metallic eyeliner.
blue shimmer eyeshadow.
gold eyeshadow.
purple eyeshadow.
eye makeup remover by Neutrogena.
face and body brush. for misc.

[this is obviously non-inclusive of things like moisturisers and toners and all that, thats skincare, not make up.]

regimes.
face.

always always always wash before before applying anything. then dry thoroughly, preferably pat dry.
foundation first. my foundation doubles as a moisturiser so I don't worry about my skin drying out. I use a non-oil based one because my skin is naturally quite oily. I always make sure to check my hairline and the skin around my chin and the edges of my face to make sure that the foundation is properly blended. If you neglect this, it'll look like you have a mask on.
concealer if I feel like it. on obvious spots and under the eyes.
pressed powder. I feel that this adds a smooth texture that I can't really achieve with loose powder. If I'm feeling lazy, I stop here and go straight on to my eyes.
loose powder (lighter shade). When I'm in a really dress-up mood, I brush my lighter shade of loose powder all over my face with the face and body brush I have.
loose powder (darker shade). After the lighter shade is on the way I like it, I brush on the darker shade to emphasise my cheekbones and the bone structure of my lower jaw. To do this, I suck my cheeks in and smile. Its harder than it sounds, but the depressed area of skin beneath the apples of the cheeks is where I brush on the darker shade, and the hollows beneath my jaw.

eyes.

upper lid eyeliner. I don't always do this, but when I do, the upper lid always comes first. I use pencil eyeliner for my upper eyelid, because mistakes are easily covered up by smudging the lines.
lower lid eyeliner. I can pull off full lower lid eyeliner because my eyes are large enough, and I love emphasising my eyes (not like there's any other option). I prefer using liquid eyeliner for the lower lid because its much darker and it stays on for longer. Black or bronze, either colour works depending on what I'm wearing.
eyeshadow. very very very rarely do I apply eyeshadow. I don't use any particular blending technique, I just brush on whatever I feel like.
mascara. upper and lower eyelashes both get smacked on with mascara. I try not to put too much one because I hate the way eyelashes look when they're all clumped together because of too much mascara. I have a double brush mascara, so one end is for lengthening and one end is for volume. If its a big night out, I use both, otherwise I stick to volume.

lips.

lip gloss. I never use lipstick. I emphasise my eyes, which means that I tone down alot on my lips. I don't like lipstick anyway, it feels too heavy. I go for nude colours on lips, such as brown or light pink, or sometimes just white shimmer. If I use a nude colour and I want to add a little oomph to it, I dab white shimmer on my cupid's bow and down the middle of the lower lip, because thats where the light falls.

looking back at what I've written, it sounds like I spend ages and ages fixing my face. but really, I only spend a maximum of fifteen minutes on my makeup, nothing more.

I also realise that I do alot to achieve the natural look with makeup. Though I never use colours other than my skin tone on my face, except for parties and the like. Otherwise I stick to black and brown shades only, with nude for my lips.

It sometimes depends on what I'm wearing though.

for example, I wore entirely black for a friend's birthday party. black hair ribbon, black dress, and black pumps. to add a little something to it to avoid being too bland, I swept on bright sky blue eyeshadow to match the necklace I was wearing.

another time, I had on a purple top, a white scarf, grey skinny jeans, black gladiators and a pink chunky necklace. I avoided doing anything dramatic with my face, because it would have only looked trashy.

so yeah, thats what I spend fifteen minutes doing in front of the mirror everytime I'm about to go out.

non-inclusive of the time it takes to do my hair.

i bet you'd laugh.

2009-03-09T10:42:00.004+11:00

at the thought of me thinking for myself.

quite a bit has happened since I last bothered to tell anyone about it.

whatever to that.

scene at max brenner.

pamela and priya seated at the bar, with two guys on the other side, with pamela attempting to point one out to priya.

"check out that guy there"

"which guy?"

"the one wearing a jumper"

"...they're both wearing jumpers"

"no, one's wearing a hoodie, and one's wearing a jumper."

"okay, just tell me, the one on the left or the right?"

"its the one who isn't indian,"

"left or right?"

"that one, with the bagel"

"which one, the left or the right?"

"the one who looks more middle eastern,"

"the left or the right?!"

"on the right,"

"was that so hard?"

I have my formal dress.

It was a toss-up between a red full-length gown and a more casual cocktail party sort of black and white thing.

I love both.

but guess which one I chose.

ETA: REMOVED.

one day.

2009-02-27T14:20:00.000+11:00

I want to own a cow.

feels like years.

2009-02-22T21:47:00.003+11:00

50th post.

this is the longest time i have ever stuck with any one of my diaries or blogs.

and you can imagine how long the others lasted when i say that 50 posts are akin to me practically marrying my blog.

i get bored very easily;

fickle hardly begins to cover it.

unfortunately, the happy dogmark of fifty posts has only more teenage angst to be dealt with.

issue one.

seriously, how hard is it to tell me what you're angry about, when you're angry with me?

it hurts me when you get annoyed with me and snap at me, and i really have no clue as to what i've done to put you in such a bad mood.

you say that there's no point to telling me or talking about it because you get over it.

but my point is that if you just tell me what irks you, you'll have nothing to get over in the first place.

then you say that you don't feel like its your place to tell you what you like or not like about your behaviour.

this is about compromise.

we live together.

if i piss you off every other day, how are we to get along?

i know you say that so far this year, you've only been annoyed with me twice.

but believe me, its incredibly painful when one of the people closest to you growls at you 'don't talk to me.'

please try to understand.

tasha and i had an idyllic friendship from that aspect; we became so accustomed and used to what the other liked/disliked that despite our viciously bitchy fights in the early years of our friendship, by the time we were in form four we rarely had reason to be annoyed with the other.

why can't you be like that sometimes?

(jen thinks its incedibly sweet that we argued over this - she thinks we sound like an old married couple. pam doesn't want to tell me what i do that annoys her because she thinks it would hurt me, and i want her to tell me what upsets her so that i won't hurt her. jen has a maliciously badly-timed sense of humour.)

issue two.

i am not your friend.

really.

you might think that because i bear with you and sometimes smile at you in corridors that i'm somehow okay with you trespassing into my personal space without invitation.

how dare you come to our apartment without informing us, without being invited, without asking us, then ringing us from ground floor and telling us to bring you up?

its our apartment.

not yours.

and we are not your bosom buddies for you to merely inform us of your presence and see it fit to make us fetch you up like the paid footservants we seem to be to you.

so leave me alone.

issue three.

is wholly to do with my incompetence.

the end.

spontaneity.

2009-02-19T20:08:00.002+11:00

its all about spurring that moment on.

we felt like taking a walk down glenferrie because we could and we didn't really need a reason to do so.

so we did.

that giddy feeling of freedom as you skip straight past the sign-out book and through the doors.

hey, we're swinburne kids, we do whatever we like.

we walked down and down, past thaithai, past nando's, and we were going to go further probably.

but i glimpsed streetwise.

and i said, hey lets go in.

pam shrugged and smiled.

why not?

so we went into streetwise because we felt like it.

because we could.

we ran our fingers over all the keyboards and computers.

macbook air.

macbook pro.

some samsung wide LCD screen that was pretty cool.

the new ipod nano with its elongated screen.

"look, its the new iPod nano."

"looks exactly like all the other iPods to me."

then we stumbled out.

and i said we had to go back because i didn't actually hav egeneral period off.

so we turned around.

rachel and su were at the lights.

we pranced around a little, though my prancing was a little limited because su tried to pull me off rachel when i wanted to hug her.

the lights turned green.

pam turned around.

'race you to the school?'

and we ran, leaving rach and su behind.

all the way to the little gate.

because we could.

because we felt like it.

because we didn't need to.

because we wanted to.

sometimes there are moments in life you don't want to forget.

I'm turning eighteen this year and already I don't want to lose my memory.

fuming like.

2009-02-17T22:16:00.002+11:00

for some reason, i have this weird inclination to write all of my stories and poems in this strange, abstract, disjointed manner.

and also not capitalise at all.

this blog is a perfect example of small caps, but i didn't choose it to be so.

i only realised it after i added the layout, then decided it was perfectly suited to my current writing moods.

anyway, am attempting to write something now.

why can't i write anything pointedly happy?

and there was.

2009-02-16T23:11:00.001+11:00

whatever.

i miss my camera.

i miss my dog.

i wish i was a different person.

lethargy.

2009-02-16T06:40:00.002+11:00

i always miss what people would consider the important days to blog on.

but i think that enough has been said on the subject of valentine's day and love to power all the cars and trains in the world.

gg had her birthday dinner with us on saturday night (valentine's day basically).

was great.

its not that often that all of us get to have dinner together.

all eight of us.

well, technically its become nine, with Ling now becoming a part of the group.

actually, I think she has been a while now.

but I have slow reaction times.

today is set to be another of those self-hating days.

because obviously i bring everything upon myself.

and i know it.

but i'm just stupid, silly, and weak.

i'm not content.

and hell freezes.

2009-02-11T11:57:00.003+11:00

taptap sound.

"knock knock"

"who's there?"

"jen!"

"jen who?"

"jen I fucking hate knock knock jokes."

if you haven't already heard, the massive trail of destruction left in the wake of the victorian bushfires released enough smoke into the atmosphere to completely obscure my view of the city from my apartment.

killed over 180 people in one day.

who needs nuclear weapons anymore?

the worst part of the whole matter is that half of the fires were caused by arson.

whatever shark attacks, humans are our own worst enemies.

I having to think about which universities to apply to.

swelter.

2009-02-07T13:06:00.001+11:00

its damn bloody hot.

its damn bloody hot.
its damn bloody hot.
its damn bloody hot.
its damn bloody hot.
its damn bloody hot.

I want to move to Alaska.

I love My Fair Lady.

newsflash.

2009-02-05T23:47:00.000+11:00

I forgave her.

well, I knew it was going to happen.

the kill.

2009-02-05T21:27:00.003+11:00

you make me so angry sometimes.

stop snapping at me because you're in a bad mood.

stop blurting out stuff I expected you to keep confidential.

stop making me feel bad and apologising for things I shouldn't be sorry for.

stop being my best friend.

my problem is that I care too much.

would you care if I died tomorrow?

would you?

I thought that I was somewhat secure with you;

but now I'm pretty sure.

that the people closest to me are those who throw me off.

I know I'm insecure.

you would have issues too if you were me.

don't you understand that I try not to let you get on my nerves?

why can't you do the same?

or at least tell me without biting my head off whatever it is that bothered you?

is that so very damn hard?

I suppose so.

you know what?

whatever.

because I know I would have forgiven you by tomorrow morning.

and I will be hating myself for it.

neesha I want to talk to you.

a day in the life of.

2009-02-04T07:45:00.002+11:00

a typical daily routine.
because I can.

7.00 am
awakening. sun's already up. stumbling all over the place trying to find my phone and turn off the alarm, to find that its inside my pillowcase for some reason.

7.15 am
already showered. walk into Pam's room only in a towel and attempt to walk her up by repeating 'Pam, its seven fifteen' until there are some signs of movement discernible.

8.00 am
by this time, I've eaten, changed, pinned my hair up, and goofed around a little bit. TV was turned on during breakfast to watch some random show on shark babies. then we leave to start walking to school.

8.30 am
school starts. usually still hanging around the lockers; until the fact that we have to get to class is unavoidable.

11.05am

stagger into the boarding house for recess, stare at the unappetising snacks, repress one's hunger, and stagger back out again to class.

12.40pm

crawl into the dining hall, pick at some mush they call food for lunch, die on the tables knowing that there's still another period to go.

3.30pm
break out of the classroom, race for the lockers, grab some eggs and other stuff from the kitchen, then begin the hike back to Swinburne.

3.45pm

reached swinburne, and realised that there was not enough food. have to rush down to safeway to get stuff. the lifts at swinburne won't work, so we have to figure out if we can use the emergency stairs and try to sneak out.

4.30pm

back at swinny's with the shopping. couch flop and turn the television on. watch soap operas brainlessly.

5.30pm

move fat asses off the couch and try to scrape some sort of dinner together with the least amount of effort and cooking materials possible.

6.30pm

eat the burnt dinner with ice cream. shower. hang around in each other's rooms and talk. resign ourselves to the fact that homework doesn't do itself, though that would be incredibly helpful.

8.30pm

come out of rooms for a break. sit outside on the balcony and enjoy the gorgeous view. yell down at rowdy drunks. play 'caught by the shark!' at the windows.

10.00pm

give up on studying and sit outside in front of the TV and watch all the action bits in Lord of the Rings. eat more junk.

11.30pm

sit in Pamela's room and talk. a lot.

12.30 am

realise that its really late and crash on the bed; not to move until the next morning.

life's pretty good.

tofu and cooler blades.

2009-01-30T14:29:00.002+11:00

so today was the first day of school.

and I moved into swinburne apartments yesterday.

can I say, love?

I absolutely adore my room.

the whole apartment.

the location.

well, maybe the having to walk to school and use lockers (which I haven't used in a year) is a bit of a pain.

but thats nothing compared to staying here.

I think I'm going to hang around for term 2 as well.

only move back to tiddeman in term 3.

and my friends;

is it enough to say that they make me laugh like no one else can?

i missed them like shit.

and didn't fully realise it until I walked through the door of GG's room and straight into her suitcase.

and then jumped around in Kiran's room for a bit complaining having to lug my luggage to swinburne.

and actually hauled my 40 kilos of stuff down glenferrie with Jennifer, and stopping in front of every air-conditioned store for the cool air.

and lying on the floor with Miki watching 'indecent proposals' and complaining about how much we hate everyone in the movie.

and eating kimchi with Pam while dribbling food down my jeans trying to point out a passer-by I thought was hot.

and rolling my eyes at Serena's failed attempts to put a pedestal fan together.

yeah.

pretty much missed them like anything.

first day of school was nothing remarkable.

i'm pissed about one thing with my timetable though.

but that one thing aside, I'm loving it.

i get two first periods off, once a week!

when i didn't have a single first free last year.

melbourne is a bloody heatwave though.

my face literally melted off.

45 degrees today.

and i don't have a fan or an air-conditioner in my room.

how painful.

and my bedsheets don't fit because the bed here is super-single, not regular single.

whatever.

i really missed melbourne.

it is the east.

2009-01-27T20:19:00.003+11:00

mmm.

school in two days.

whatev.

sick of thinking about it.

mom is buying me a straightening iron.

because I'm not rebonding my hair again.

so I need a straightener for when I care.

instead of living off mikella like the parasite I am.

I'm happy and unhappy.

spoke to my twin for more than an hour on skype.

good fun.

I managed to slot in a bedtime story about giant monkeys.

I think I'm just unhappy.

I was tagged by Krissy.

DIRECTION: Once you've been tagged, you have to write a post with sixteen random things, habits or goals about you. At last, choose five people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them.

I swallow gum. bubblegum, chewing gum. everything.
I want to get into the university of cambridge.
I just want to get into a university in england.
I had an unhealthy obsession with black clothes. got over it though. bought something purple the other day.
Despite how I may behave, I'm straight.
I don't like talking to people.
I can't stand awkward silences.
I look up model sites and gawk at men.
only one person in the whole world knows everything about me and understands me completely. you're not her.
I've changed alot since moving to Australia; but you probably don't notice.
I'm ace at telling people off.
I hate the idea of lonliness.
for once, I don't feel like I don't have enough.
I like the cold.
I've never seen snow.
I love blindly.

me in less than 20 sentences.

this is why you could never understand.

planning ahead gets over your head.

2009-01-24T19:08:00.003+11:00

one week till school starts again.
don't really want to go back to hell.

pam called, wanting to know the exact second of my arrival in melbourne.
she and miki would be taking the same flight, except mikella went and bought business class tickets while pam's in economy.
I laughed at their stupidity.

these two, by the way, are my flatmates and best friends.

god, the type of people I talk to.

but pam's call reminded me of all the things I'll actually have to do when I get to swinburne.
good thing is, pam and miki will already be in the apartment so don't have to worry about people opening the door for me.

actually, knowing those two, I'm still worried.

but when I get there; I'll have to:

unpack. on that day itself. no unpacking must be put off.
buy shampoo and other toiletries that I probably won't be able to lug along because my suitcases would be too full of books.
buy meat and vegetables to cook. though pam and miki won't want to, and probably would want to celebrate the start of year 12 by going to kim chi lunchbox.
get all my schoolbooks in order. I know that they'd be a mess the day right after, but at least it would have started off clean.
meet all members of my TAG team. just to know who I have the right to boss around if I wish.

thats about all I can think of for now.

I went shopping with the rents today at harbourtown, and surprisingly, they got me everything I asked for.
which was most everything I didn't get in m'sia.

gladiators. wanted to get these in Malaysia, but couldn't find them and they aren't in fashion there.
a purple loose top. wasn't planning on getting any tops, but I saw this one and it was so freaking comfortable. its from Dotti. I love the material.
two cotton scarves. two scarves from Cotton On, one white and one black. the original price for one scarf was $20, but they were on sale and each scarf was only $2 instead! so instead of paying $40, I only paid $4. wasn't that amazing?
a guess handbag. one of those huge ones that's cabin luggage in their own right. I really like it, I've been wanting a big tote bag thing for some time.

so, I'd consider today a day well spent.

pixie dust prevails.

2009-01-21T17:10:00.005+11:00

so obama's president.
yippee-hoo-haa or what?

at the rate I'm going; this blog is going to become the unfortunate site of my literary obsessions and frustrations.
maybe I should start another blog specifically for it.
but I'm too lazy.

and its not like anyone would care enough to actually read anything I review.

but since you're here, I'm going to tell you about the book I read.

so there.

for the Malaysian Young Writer's Competition, I won a couple of books and one of them happened to be Valiant by Holly Black.

its an extremely well-written book, and it is, as transcribed on the front cover of the book, 'a modern tale of faerie'.

in plain english, its about faeries.

yep; big deal Priya.

obsessing for two weeks about a book on faeries.

but the lovely thing about it is, the faeries are absolutely twisted.

dark faeries, not your resident garden Barbie dolls with wings.the main character, Valerie, or Val, ran away from home after walking in onto her mother sleeping with Val's boyfriend.

thats about as sick as it gets, people.

but the characters, the people Val falls in with, they're all real, right there, believable.

very relatable, and their presences are sorely missed when you finish the last page of the book.

the plot is good too; very different.

and its about faeries;

what more could you ask for?

I read Valiant in 2006; without realising that Holly Black also had another faerie book which she had written before Valiant.

and I found Tithe a day ago, to my immense pleasure.

didn't take me long to devour it and finish it.

again, Tithe is about faeries, but this book has a whole different tone in comparison to Valiant.

the story is less dependent on supporting characters and much more focused on the main character, Kaye, and her faerie love interest, Roiben.

I like it that its different in that sense, and that the characters are much different, so's the plot.

by the way, Holly Black wrote the Spiderwick Chronicles.

I didn't know that until I just googled her to get a picture of the cover art for Tithe.

whoa.

AND THERE'S A SEQUEL TO TITHE?!

NO ONE TOLD ME THIS.

damn.

/end of book obsession rant.

my uncle gave me ann Elizabeth Gaskell anthology of ghostly short stories.

reading that tonight.

after my study of anti-semitism.

now I have to go look for that sequel, Ironside, and read it.

gee, I hope you're happy, wikipedia.

but the nuns are watching.

2009-01-20T14:26:00.004+11:00

in a rather amusing episode, my brother yesterday accidently sent an email to the West Australian Deputy State Solicitor.

who happens to be one of the top ranked lawyers in the state.

it runs in the family, the stupidity.

the email was meant for my mother; but oh well.

it was pretty hilarious.

I've been blog surfing, you know, just reading random blogs.

and it just struck me; the variety of things people actually talk about on their blogs.

without question, the one thing all bloggers had in common was that everything they blogged about was about or related to themselves.

[leaving out food, fashion and etc. blogs.]

and obviously, people only want to talk about themselves.

thats the whole point of a blog.

but the style of writing, content in relation to the author, mood, tone, flair.

the differences were mind-boggling.

reading about someone else's day is hardly very stimulating though, unless they have wit.

though, most people I know have little wit, and less common sense.

if they write about something other than their day; I'll read it.

some insight, some thoughts.

because to tell you the harsh truth, no one really cares if you went to school today and 'it sucked'.

another thing that was running rampant in quite a few of the blogs I skimmed through:

the denouncement of Israel for its treatment of Palestine.

understandable, considering current affairs; but really.

sometimes its quite over the top.

most times actually.

I can't say that I know enough to form an informed opinion of the matter, but bashing Israel and blaming them entirely is quite unfair, considering that they were provoked.

and al-Hamas was warned.

whether or not other actions were justified; I have to read up on that.

I'm doing my extended essay on anti-semitism anyway, by the end of it I'll have more than just an informed opinion on it.

I'll also have a 4000 essay to prove it.

I stumbled across the author Neil Gaiman's blog today.

I have no idea how I got there (story of my life).

but anyway; I started reading it, and enjoyed myself immensely.

he's as witty as the books the writes!

surprise surprise.

his blog was voted Best Literature Blog during the weblog awards 2008.

weblog awards?

and I thought I was strange for being enthusiastic when someone suggested I make a blog for Erich.

I eventually decided against it, to maintain Pamela's sanity.

going down.

2009-01-19T16:55:00.002+11:00

downing.

I must focus.

but its so hard to.

why am I so weak?

new layout too, if you haven't noticed.

desperate.

2009-01-18T13:28:00.002+11:00

would you understand if I told you that there was only one place I wanted to be?

god forbid, I might never get in, the way I'm going about this.

all night is alright.

2009-01-17T19:12:00.003+11:00

yesterday was my brother's 20th birthday.

so he gets three lines in my blog for it (talk about special mention).

happy birthday.

anyway.

I'll be back in Melb in 12 days.

and I haven't finished all my work yet.

'damn' doesn't begin to cover it.

but oh well.

I'll just have to slog at it for the next 12 days.

so I can deal when I'm moving into Swinburne.

I'm really looking forward to Swinburne.

its a shame that GG and Kiran will be in Tiddeman.

but we'll be visiting pretty much everyday.

but I'll be in an apartment with Pam and Miki.

its pretty much a death sentence handed to me on a silver platter, but who says dying won't be fun?

Jen and Serena will be around too, but just not in the same apartment.

but I have to say, I love the apartment I'm assigned to.

its great!

my room doesn't really matter to me, Miki and Pam chose their rooms and I just took whatever the last one was.

typical of me, but yeah. I don't really care.

I got the room with the window.

I really, really miss my friends.

I have so much shit to do to apply to all the universities I want to apply for.

applications are sucking the life out of me.

why do I have to apply?

my lifelong dream is to work at a McD's drive-through counter, I don't have to go to university for that.

now for my literary whingings.

I finished the 12 leaked chapters of Stephenie Meyer's Midnight Sun.

The book that was supposed to be Twilight from Edward's point of view.

In my opinion, Midnight Sun is a helluva lot better than any of the other vampire books that Meyer has written.

It had a little more depth and insight than the rest, and Edward is far more believable as a character for some reason, when looking at the whole thing from his point of view.

Less like a Mary Sue, and more like a character with a partially realistic personality.

Its still not great, considering the language, plot and characters other than Edward, but it was entertaining.

It really is a pity that that had to be the book that she'd refuse to continue because it got leaked.

Wish that had happened to Breaking Dawn instead.

But I hear that Meyer will continue Midnight Sun in a while.

If she did, I might actually consider buying it.

Well.

Maybe not.

Another fantasy series which had caught my eye on a list of Meyer read-alikes is the Mortal Instruments series by Cassandra Clare.

After reading the two first books in the trilogy (third book hasn't been released yet), I am utterly, and completely obsessed with the series.

Clare is not at all a Meyer read-alike, I am disgusted that they would compare them.

The characters in her books are pure genius; Clary, the main character is entirely 3-D and lovable.

Jace is gorgeously grating, Isabelle is annoying but endearing, Simon just makes you want to sweep him up and plant kisses on his cheeks.

The twist at the end of the first book broke my heart - I desperately want Jace and Clary to be together.

...Well.

I just desperately want Jace.

The plot isn't particularly stunning, its entertaining because of the contribution of the medley of rich characters.

Though I confess I object to quite a few of the plot twists and suspense, because of personal emotional investment in the characters now.

The antagonist is a little disappointing, because he's not that much of a villain in my eyes; he's a believeable villain I suppose, but I think he has to be more evil.

MORE!

The three books in the series are City of Bones, City of Ashes, and City of Glass.

City of Glass coming out end of March 2009.

can't wait for it.

cauterize.

2009-01-07T20:48:00.003+11:00

and if today already wasn't bad enough of a corrosion on my spirits.

it just had to be exacerbated.

now I remember what it felt like to want to just die so badly.

but if I die.

I can't prove myself wrong.

so with anyone who read this as my witness;

here I now swear.

to be strong.

to not give up, no matter how magnetic the temptation.

to try.

to wake up in the morning without that aftertaste of a feeling knowing that I would fail myself again.

beginning now, I will be different.

I have tried to change, many times throughout the past five years.

but never before have I realised the impact of my actions on my life.

thanks to me, and my hedonistic abandon;

I have wasted an entire year.

now I might never achieve that dream of mine.

oh how bitter your soul!

for all the things I didn't do.

2009-01-07T18:30:00.001+11:00

despite the promise I made myself to not swear on this blog.

I am very sorely tempted.

I have a pretty good self-esteem.

but that doesn't mean I don't hate myself.

I do.

hate myself, I mean.

because I, among other things.

am.

weak.

lazy.

a liar.

two-faced.

hypocritical.

undeniably, and decidedly weak.

hate me for it.

because I cannot bear it anymore.

all good things.

2009-01-02T14:23:00.003+11:00

new year's resolutions are so overrated.
they only hold significance for a day.

i didn't blog on the first day of the year, oh! what a tragedy.
not really.
all these 'new starts' and 'forget about yesterday' things just aren't for me.
because i know that switching calenders, for me, really doesn't change anything.
its a new year.
so what?

on the first day of the new year;
we went to temple.
my dad moved the portable air cond from his room to mine. made my entire day.
watched Taken (Liam Neeson). was excellent!
had lamb soup.
played music to watch boys by.

eventful.

i suppose that even i have some hopes and dreams for 2009.
i mean, it is my eighteenth year, and my last yea of proper schooling.

get into cambridge.
do well for my IB. (which would be obviously needed if i wanted to get into cambridge)

and thats about it.

i don't have anything emotional or familial to achieve.

obviously, do i ever have any goals of that sort?

no.

i don't.

my eighteenth year is finally here, after all that whining and scringing.

after my thirteen year old self lusted for so long, so very long for this year.

whats so great about it, now i ask myself.

what is?

nothing.

i'll just be a year older.

nothing great about that.

just three more years to the end of my teenage life.

now that;

that is depressing.

kamikaze

2008-12-31T23:03:00.003+11:00

i don't feel like writing much about my trip.
just because.

when we get home;
i know we won't be home at all.

whatever.

there wasn't enough time though.
i couldn't meet half the people i was dying to.
to these people, i'd like to present a heartfelt apology and reiteration that i do love you, from the bottom of my heart, but please, it really isn't my fault that one day only has 24 hours, and that i lack a driver.
i really am sorry, you have no idea how much i was dying to meet you guys.

thing is:
i won't be coming back to malaysia for maybe, another year and a half?
if i do get into a university in the UK, then i'll be able to spend a month in KL.
otherwise, no game.

anyway.
got most of the stuff i wanted as well.
only a few more things left to shop for here.

bras and underwear. bras because they don't have my bloody cup size in m'sia, and underwear because i refuse to wear anything other than bonds. damn you kiran.
leather jacket. more people wear these in australia anyway. and couldn't find a proper one in kl.
dress. because they don't have cue in malaysia.

i suppose now would also be a good time to talk about the new year and all that.

but i don't want to.

because i feel like being disagreeable and angry right now.

2009 will be my eighteenth year, i'll be legal and all that schizzamadiz, its my last year of school, the most important year.

yes, tell me something i don't know.

does it matter anyway?

i'll just go on and pretend 2008 never happened.

again.

hope springs eternal.

2008-12-15T15:07:00.004+11:00

Tasha lied.

she hasn't posted her pretties list up yet!

thanks for crushing my hopes of eyecandy ):

I have so much to do, so little time!

my sketchy plan for the week is:

Tuesday

moving into the Boulevard hotel for three days.

meeting Azam, and possibly Banun if she decides to turn up, for lunch.

shopping.

duh.

Wednesday

Tasha, Neesha, Li-Wei, Kerk Wen, Paik Hwa!

going to watch twilight.

going shoe shopping.

basically lepaking as I haven't done in a year.

being downright annoyingly australian as I can to random people.

Thursday

going to be plague by that disease I call my best friends again.

do I even have to list what we're going to do?

hopefully I'll get to see Poovan later.

Friday

SINGAPORE!

I'll get to see Pam again (:

its looking like a fairly good, unproductive week.

just how I like it.

because my mother has forced me to do five hours of study today.

its pretty harsh, considering the fact that I'm on holiday.

but at least the rest of the week will be spent on superficial things like popping saliva bubbles at cashiers.

thats the fun and good stuff and all that.

but coming back;

I suddenly feel out of place.

and when we get home,

I know we won't be home at all.

throw out all the blues.

2008-12-12T16:22:00.004+11:00

TOMORROW.

I'll be in Malaysia.

How exciting is that?

Anyway, since I wrote a post reviewing two books yesterday, I've decided to do today's one on music.

Recent additions to my iPod include artistes such as Emilie Autumn, Crystal Castles, Coheed & Cambria, Van Atta High, I Set My Friends on Fire, I Am Ghost, Butch Walker, The Arcade Fire, Brokencyde, The Brian Jonestown Massacre, and Voxtrot.

Noteworthy soundtracks include the Skins Soundtrack.

If you watch Skins (and know what a fantastic series it is), you'd understand what sort of soundtrack it needs: mellow, yet catchy, more indie and snappy teenage at times, but very slow and soft at others.

The soundtrack provides exactly that sort of atmosphere at the neediest times.

My favourite tracks would have to be:

Adam & The Ants - Prince Charming.

(rather meaningless, but has an infectious intro and the verses just make you want to snap and sing along.)

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Date With The Night.

(C'mon. Its the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. That kind of says it all.)

Mike Bailey - Wild World.

(Mike Bailey plays Sid on the show, and covers this Cat Stevens song. I never realised that Sid could sing! Slow, soft, and poignant, this sums up Sid and Michelle's relationship in three minutes.)

A soundtrack that I felt only lukewarm about was Twilight.

I expected something I bit more, well, for a lack of words, vampire-ish, shall we say?

Music that sends a chill up your spine, makes you glance back over your shoulder, gives you that creeping feeling reminiscent of Thriller.

But no.

Paramore's recordings of Decode and I Caught Myself were excellent, the usual quality you'd expect from Williams and the Farros.

I didn't think that the songs suited the movie, but by themselves, far from disappointing.

However, I must admit that Paramore is quite dead to Tasha, Neesha and I, for reasons only kampung girls and their grandmothers know.

Besides Paramore, the other track that I enjoyed was Bella's Lullaby.

I liked the instrumental very much.

I also kept Collective Soul's Tremble For My Beloved on repeat.

Like the Paramore tracks, this one was a standalone hit on my playlist.

I, however, really found Robert Pattinson's Never Think quite abhorrent.

The dude should stick to acting.

Note: I did not let my distaste for the books influence judgement on the music or movie. They are entirely separate.

The books are dirt, like I've mentioned before.

But the acting doesn't seem bad and I'm looking forward to the special effects in the movie.

To my Malaysian friends, one last word.

See you tomorrow.

le-le-low.

2008-12-11T18:31:00.002+11:00

TWO.

days till I'm in Malaysia.

just finished two riveting books, which really could not be more different.

The Dante Club, by Matthew Pearl.

The Sunday Philosophy Club, by Alexander McCall Smith.

This was the first novel of Pearl's that I have read.

I tried picking it up a few times last year, but found the language rather tedious and the plot a little too slow-moving for my liking.

However, I spotted it again in my school library, and recognising the cover and realising that here was a book I had started and never finished, I decided, what the heck.

Lets pick it up and go go go.

So I picked it up, and suddenly, I couldn't put it down.

It was thrilling, the murders, the poetry, the assimilation of all things Dante, the literary aspect and the language of the author.

Granted, the plot was a little slow at first, but if you peservere, all will be rewarded, because the plot picks up and accelerates like nothing before.

I now consider The Dante Club as one of my favourite works of modern literary fiction.

It is most excellently written, and is very noteworthy.

In comparison, The Sunday Philosophy Club is in fact my seventh or eighth novel by McCall Smith.

I quite enjoyed his Precious Ramotswe series [No 1 Ladies Detective Agency] and collected all the books in that series possible.

He has a very different, calm style of writing which I find very comforting.

Not literary, but quiet and philosophical, a nice contrast to The Dante Club.

The heroine of this new novel/series I find very endearing and interesting, with a moral and emotional background that very clearly defines her as a person.

The plot is nothing much, but as in most McCall Smith books, that isn't what grips the readers attention. [I guessed who committed the murder as soon as the murderer's character was introduced.]

Its the little mundane details of Isabel's life [the main character], which just makes you want to know more about her.

Why does she do the things she do?

Despite the obviously similar writing styles, this is quite different compared to the Precious Ramotswe books.

Different setting and times, one in Edinburgh and one in Scotland.

He is to be applauded for being to create two very distinguishable and unique female protaginists, both lovable and relatable.

Okay, I'm not sure if this sudden review of the books will be appreciated.

But anyway.

Tomorrow's the last day in Perth for the rest of the month until I get back from Malaysia on New Year's Eve.

This holiday is going to be hectic.

I have to meet up with old friends, and I used to think I didn't have that many.

Trying to plan this holiday and the times has been enough to change my mind though.

Now I have to figure out how to somehow fit in a lunch with Mrs. Rani and Poovan somewhere.

Ah, planning.

Wherefore art thou necessary?

please love.

2008-12-11T16:21:00.004+11:00

tagged!

by zhou.

people really have nothing better to do.

Starting time : 2.36pm
Name : priya!
Sisters : nada.
Brothers : one.
Shoe size : 7/8.
Height : 166cm.
Where do you live : Perth officially, but I consider Melbourne more of a home.
Favourite drinks : water. bandung. cincau. tea.
Favourite breakfast : nutri-grain with milk. or bacon.
Have you ever been on a plane : many times.
Swam in the ocean : yes!
Fallen asleep in school : countless.
Broken someone’s heart : no.
Fell off your chair : made it an art.
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call : no.
Saved e-mails : yes.
What is your room like : in perth? two single beds (one for sleeping, one for dumping clothes), a side table between the beds, one bookcase, one wardrobe and a very large dresser. peach walls. pink carpet.
What's right beside you : the chair I’m supposed to be sitting in, but can’t be bothered to get on.
What is the last thing you ate : bacon and vegetable fried rice. made by me.
Ever had chicken pox : yeah.
Sore throat : yes.
Stitches : no.
Broken nose : no.
Do you believe in love at first sight : nope. sorry li-wei ):
Like picnics : never been on one.
Who was the last person you danced with : adele & su.
Last made you smile : martina and candan’s emails.
You last yelled at : brother.
Talk to someone you like : don’t have a crush.
Kissed anyone : nope.
Get sick : so many times its not funny.
Talked to an ex : don’t have one.
Miss someone : now.
Do you sleep with stuffed animals : never did.
What's under your bed : a vast expanse of carpet and shed hair.
Who do you really hate : no one, really. other than Edward Cullen.
What time is it now : 2.41pm

RANDOMS
Q :Is there a person who is on your mind right now : Pamela and Mikella.
Q : Do you have any siblings : yeah. one.
Q : Do you want children : lots of! slave labour :D
Q : Do you smile often : yes.
Q : Do you like your hand-writing : enough.
Q : Are your toenails painted : yes.
Q : Whose bed other than yours would you rather sleep in : beds are all beds.
Q : What colour shirt are you wearing : white.
Q : What were you doing at 7:00pm yesterday : can’t remember. probably helping mom cook.
Q : I can't wait to : get back home!
Q : When did you cry last : two weeks ago.
Q : Are you a friendly person: you can assume so.
Q : Do you have any pets : no.
Q : Where is the person you have feelings for right now : New York. Q : Did the last person you held hands with you mean anything to you now? : I only hold hands
with girls, haha.
Q : Do you sleep with the TV on? : never.
Q : What are you doing right now? : keeping my temper in check.
Q : Have you ever crawled through a window? : yeah.
Q : Can you handle the truth? : usually.
Q : Are you closer to your mother or father? : both equally.
Q : Who was the last person you cried in front of? : Kiran.
Q : How many people can you say you've really loved? : that’s hard to say.
Q : Do you eat healthy? : no! only when I’m forced to.
Q : Do you still have pictures of you & your ex?: don’t have an ex.
Q : Have you ever cried because of something someone said to you? : yes.
Q: How often do you go to church? : once in my entire life have I ever been to church.
Q : If you're having a bad day, who are you most likely to go to? : myself.
Q : Are you loud or quiet most of the time? : I balance both out.
Q : Are you confident?: quite.

THINGS YOU DID 10 YEARS AGO.
1. Wet the bed.
2. Play with that play-dough stuff.
THINGS ON MY TO DO LIST TODAY.
1. finish skeleton of History IA
2. Clean the kitchen
3. Read McCall Smith
5 THINGS I WOULD DO IF I WERE A BILLIONAIRE
1. Buy myself a Porshe convertible.
2. Fund my education.
3. Buy Italy.
4. Write a book on how to become one.
5. Never work out a clothes budget again.
5 PLACES I HAVE LIVED IN
1. KL
2. Perth
3. Melbourne

raging hormones.

2008-12-09T19:21:00.016+11:00

THREE.

days until I'm in Malaysia.

before I get to the interesting and very very juicy eye candy bit (yes i know you'll be able to scroll down, but please bear with me.)
after two years, I went back and logged in into my oldest MSN account there is.
just for thrills and frills, you know.
then I realised.
hey.
I have a blog on this thing!
On my MSN Spaces for that account.

Deciding to take the dangerous leap, I opened that blog, aged three years, predating my venture into the Science stream, or Form 4.
Oh god, it was excruciating.
To think I had even once ever written such things.
I should have never reopened that blog.

To drag someone else down with me, Neesha was a regular commenter on all blog entries, and I must say Neesha, be glad that no one else would ever have to read those again.
(Yes, I do not want to be alone in this embarrasment.)

But anyway, onto the main course.
Literally.

Tagged by Kerrissa.

1. Compose a list of your top 15 sexiest famous men.
2. Collect one picture of each guy on your list.
3. Post them in your journal.
4. Tag 15 people to do the same.

in no particular order.

1. Tom Welling
[He's just got that face, you know.]

2. Julius Becker

[This drop-dead gorgeous specimen not only modelled full time for Prada and Armani but also managed to scrape top results in college.]

3. Cillian Murphy

[Like Tom Welling, there's just something about him.]

4. Nicholas Hoult

[Fell in love first when watching Skins. His accent is tantalizing.]

5. Skandar Keynes

[I have always secretly loved Edmund. Skandar playing him really didn't help the obsession either.]

6. Cam Gigandet

[All Tasha's fault. And that says everything.]

7. Andrew Brett

[This one is all Pathma's fault.]

8. Chace Crawford

[Nate might be pretty hare-brained, but he makes up for it all with that face.]

9. Mitch Hewer

[Gay Maxxie in Skins. But hot.]

10. Benoit

[That picture speaks for itself.]

11. Jason Behr

[Loved his character Caleb in Skinwalkers. Then looked at him closer.]

12. James Marsden

[C'mon. I mean. Its Cyclops!]

13. Steven Strait

[The only good point of Sky High]

14. Gaspard Ulliel

[If I open my mouth here, I'll start screaming. I love Gaspard.]

15. Rob Devita (the love of my life.)

[The only other male, besides Gaspard, whom I'd actually consider losing my virginity to.]

See all my pretties?

I tag whoever who wishes to do this.

Tash, I believe you're already on the way there.

sepulcher

2008-12-08T19:41:00.003+11:00

eh.

i just wrote a really long poem.

over 500 words.

its about someone,significantly older and very bitter, who had lent a younger person a helping hand, only to be scorned and spurned later.

the older person then curses the betrayer to never age, and rambles on about all the ills of never aging, never dying, and how the young person will suffer.

the persona also lists the ways and means that might help the cursed soul to end his torment, but tells the person not to hope.

why do I write these sort of things?

everytime I aim for something happy, I end up with this shit.

why?

her body's not moving,

i'm assuming,

she's dead.

curb that!

2008-12-08T10:38:00.005+11:00

FIVE.
days till I'm in Malaysia.

And on that happy note, yesterday I went out and bought a Minnie Mouse sleeveless top and a faded denim vest.
What is it with JayJays and Disney clothes at the moment?
I walk in, and right into a rack of vintage yellow tops all stamped with Mickey's trademark grin.
Minnie was more my thing though, so I asked for it, and surprisingly enough, actually got it.
And my mother even agreed to buy me a Cue dress!
One of those dresses cost about ASD 200 each, but they are so gorgeous.

Thats the dress I want.
Thing is, I can only buy it after I get back from Malaysia.
Just in case I see something nicer back there.
But I highly doubt it, I mean, its Cue!

My dad has asked me to make a list of things I want to get when I go home.
Books, I've decided not to buy in M'sia because they're the same price, if not cheaper here, and anyway I have a suitcase full of books to finish reading before I go back to Melbourne.

M.A.C. eyeliner. This I have to check out, I'm not sure if it'll be cheaper in Melb. If it's cheaper in KL, I'm grabbing one.
Wedges. For summer.
Flats. Because my current pair have nearly transclucent soles, I've worn them that much.
Black pumps. Every girl needs a pair.
Gladiators. Also for summer.
Leather jacket. I've always wanted one.
Long tops/shirt dresses. I like them.
Purse. My current Liz Clairborne black purse has tomato sauce stains on them. Not very classy.
Summer dresses. Because I have nada.
Some sanity, yez pleeze.

I'm not that materialistic.
No, really.
But if I have the chance to buy some stuff, why not?

nevershout

2008-12-05T12:26:00.002+11:00

sometimes, I wonder why I just bring everything upon myself.

not once.

but again.

and again.

for seventeen years, the same mistake.

I just never learn.

I am useless.

EIGHT

days till I'm in Malaysia.

days of dreaming.

2008-12-04T21:25:00.007+11:00

NINE

days till I'm in Malaysia.

[countdown for the benefit of ZhouPaikster]

Okay yes, I know.

Priya, where have you been this past week!

Fool of a Took.

[OMFG LOTR REFERENCE DORKGEEKNERRRDDDDDDDDD!]

Anyway, I'm sorry I haven't posted anything in a week, but I have been so tired/busy/occupied.

Quite a few events and first-timers have taken place, so prepare yourself for gruesome, unnecessary details.

Event 1: End of Year 11.

I know I'm hung up on the fact that the year has passed so quickly, but hey, it really has!

Last Friday was the last day of Year 11, the last day of so called 'laid-back' year, before the IB starts digging its heels into your heart and sending stress levels soaring with the workload of Year 12.

One last year of schooling, then off to university it is for this little Bo-Peep.

Quite depressing actually.

I mean, no more uniforms.

How will I breathe with the lack of conformity and fahion sense?!

Event 2: IB Nerdfest.

Exactly what it says up there.

IB cohort + dance music + BBQ = Nerd Fantasy!

Though about a quarter of the girls didn't turn up, it was hella fun.

Catherine's house was gorgeous, they even has this little Japanese style corner with sunken bamboo table and chairs that made you feel out of place without a kimono.

I had the opportunity of a lifetime to prance around and display my one and only Thriller routine, can you imagine, I was the only one who knew the moves?!

It wasn't really embarassing, I think GG and Adele were more embarrassed for me than I was, but really, who cared?

(Mikella would have been so embarrassed for me if she was there, but she wasn't!)

It is me after all.

Event 3: Biology Excursion.

The reason why my trip back home was delayed four days.

It was pretty okay though, though the guy who took us through the first part of the excursion and snorkeling was freaky, in a rather cool way.

His name was Harry, and he said that life was about maturing, sex, and death.

Well, gee, I would never had thought of it that way.

At one point, he was busy educating GG and I on the size of barnacles' penises, and was talking very intently about reproduction when he suddenly asked:

"In reproduction, what is the big 'F' word?"

GG and I just stared at him, mouths nearly hitting the rocky beach in horror. Then I went, tentatively:

"Fertilisation?"

He roared with laughter at our faces, we were kind of traumatised though.

(And yes, that was the right answer. Fortunately.)

Then we had to do a prac on tubeworms and their habitats.

Quite disgusting, I let Miki do the cutting up and bashing of the tubeworms, my main task was to ensure that the bristle worms didn't escape.

We went snorkeling afterwards, wasn't particularly memorable, except for the fact that we cam within 1.5 metres of baby seals!

They were soooo cute.

Event 4: Flight back to Perth. Nothing much, really. Planes and annoying busty stewardesses.

First-timer 1: Driving.

Drove for the first time.

God, it was stressful.

Its not that hard, really, except for the existence of the left kerb and stop signs.

I like putting the indicators on, they make such a satisfying clicking sound everytime!

First-timer 2: Fainting.

Yes, people, Priya fainted for the first time in her life.

My dad woke me up at 6 in the morning today to give me an injection for cervical cancer.

Stuck the needle in my arm, all was peachy keen. You know, the usual, I've gotten needles in me so many times its not funny.

Then he pulled the needle out, and pressed a cotton ball to the spot.

I looked up, and realised I could see coloured dancing flashes of light.

And the next thing I remember, I woke up on the couch two hours later.

Yeah.

I can't even remember how I fainted.

How will I be able to fake it next time?

People just don't think about these things.

Yeah, so that was my life in seven days.

Eventful or what?

vampires and stakes make pretty pies.

2008-11-24T23:31:00.005+11:00

it don't make any difference to me.
what the world thinks about us, baby.

someone asked me today, for only the billionth time, if I was a fan of Twilight.
sweetheart, for only the billionth time, thats an assertive and very emphatic:
NO.

No, I do not like Twilight.
No, I am not a fan.
No, I do not think Edward Cullen is hot.
No, the vampires are not appealing in any way.
No, their situation is not at all romantic.

Twilight is, succintly, badly written, cliche, predictable, frustrating, pointless, has no plot to speak of, flat characters, an extremely boring romance and a useless huge fanbase.

really.

whats the hype about it?

so Edward's supposedly hot.
(My foot he is, seriously.)
so Edward would rather kill himself than live without Bella.
(what a jellyfish he is. I CAN'T BREATHE IF YOU DONT. MUST. SLIT. THROAT. NOW.)
so Edward romanticises Bella to no end.
(really, this is the worst possible thing a guy can do. shoot me Bella, because your fingers on the trigger hold more beauty than the morning sky!)
so Edward's an freaking vampire.

Vampires are, get this right, not vegans.
They don't hang around and be all pretty for single little desperados to come along and pick them up.
Nuh-uh, really kiddo.
The books do lie!
Imagine that!

Did I mention that they also don't exist?
Yeah, definite con there.

Okay, I get it, dragons don't exist either.
But do you see them having a worshipping following of hormone-fuelled girls?
Not really.
Actually, I'd be pretty disturbed if there was one.

To sum this post all up:
Twilight is just overrated.

ticket to somewhere.

2008-11-22T21:24:00.003+11:00

someone please tell me that this is everything that I'm doing wrong.

Its only another 20 days till I'll be steamboat sauce in Malaysia.

Anyway, I've only got another week left of school.

On Monday, I'll have to wake up extra early for a Biology breakfast thing with everyone in my Bio class (that's nine of us), grabbing bites to eat at Cafe Vamp then hurrying off to Bio to dissect a mammalian eyeball.

Yeah, I have my whole life planned out.

You know what I hate?

The feeling that life is just rushing past too quickly.

I really don't want to leave this part of my life, this underage stage.

I don't want fake IDs, I don't want alcohol, I don't want clubbing.

(Yeah, this where you huff and stare at me like I'm a dimwit.)

I don't really want to turn eighteen.

Its too old!

I do want to go to university, it still seems so far away.

So far away, always.

But now I realise that I have to start putting my applications in by next year.

This depresses me.

blind mice.

2008-11-19T14:10:00.007+11:00

ETA: REMOVED.

I don't know if I've ever shown you guys back home a picture of my closest friends here in Australia.
So here are the folks.
[right to left]

Kiran (Kiz) in the pink dress; she's my current roommate and has been so for the past five months.

Li Ying (Ling) in the white top.

Pamela (Pam) whose birthday dinner this was, in the silver dress. Ex-roommate.

Serena (Sena/SuhREEEEEnah) in the floral top, you Cempakan kids would know her.

Guang Wei (GeeGee) in the cool beige overcoat.

Priya (Pri/Pripri), yours truly, in the dress top and fishnets.

Mikella (Miks/Miki) in the leather biker jacket and red hair.

This is my boarding crew, missing Jennifer, who was sick that day, and Rosalyn, who was taking the photo.

ETA: REMOVED.
Jennifer and I going a little wild.

ETA: REMOVED.
Rosalyn, Miki, I and Pam after climbing over the boarding house gates in heels because we got locked out.

Yeah.
These are my friends.

thanks for the memories.

2008-11-18T19:01:00.003+11:00

its been almost a year since I relocated to Australia, fifty two weeks since I finished my last paper for the SPM, and too long since I looked back onto everything that has happened to me this year.

I remember, the first day I came to this boarding house.

first saw the room I was to share.

first ran all around, to every room, with Pamela, exploring.

first had dinner in the dining hall.

first sat down with those people who would become some of my closest friends ever.

first day of school.

first classes.

first time I felt so lonely in eight years.

first time I wore stockings.

first time I took the public transport myself.

first time shopping without my mother.

first time I could step out without asking my parents.

first time I had a bank card.

first time I had alcohol.

first time I had anything that was remotely assossiated with drugs.

first time I had to deal with people on my own.

first time I was in a major position in a play.

I vaguely remember my initial apprehension and upset that I underwent when I first came.

the lonliness, the not knowing anything about anything, the feeling of not fitting in.

the disappointment.

the improvement when I began mixing, began getting to know the tiny student cohort of the IB.

the anxiety and uneasiness as we struggled to establish our places and friendships.

the absolute recovery as I settled in with those friends, our relationships firmly set.

that was the start of a different stage of my life.

now, I wouldn't have changed it for anything.

but despite me being so happy, and content with what I have at the moment, it saddens me that already my older memories start to wane; leeching colour like sepia photos in albums.

little things we say we'd never forget, never leave behind, never lose sight of, we'd never, never, never.

never let happen.

I miss you.

you're the only reason I'm coming back for any span of time.

otherwise, I'd have gone to Gold Coast with Mikella.

I don't care if I never set another foot in Malaysia for the rest of my life;

but its because you guys are there that this little toe will be too.

you know something?

in the space of this ten days or so, I've posted more than I have in my old blog of seven months.

huh.

seventeen.

2008-11-17T22:05:00.001+11:00

happy birthday pam!

seventeen years of trouble-making.

a year of best-friending.

just went out and did sheesha and shit.

blog about it tomorrow.

evolution.

2008-11-17T16:07:00.003+11:00

you know, sometimes.

this thing called love?

yeah, about that.

I know nothing about love.

but enough to know that this was never it.

he told me this once, with that imperceptible twinkle in his eye, (that twinkle that made you want to look away), he said that this was never love.

I believed him then.

I believe him now.

we used to talk of stars and gold sheets to wrap ourselves in.

of lies and evasion, of risk and risque.

of the water boys in the war, running to quench thirst and blood.

of haute couture and hate, animal skin and fragile fingers.

of pterodactyls and pomeranians.

we used to talk.

now we see each other, we might smile.

we might share a little piece of us with the other.

we know.

killing ourselves with everything that might have never happened.

everything that never happened.

anything that didn't happen.

us.

this was never it.

we knew it from the start

(at least I did)

this massacre of our wants.

holocaust of desire.

yes, I'd like another fries.

leave this to us.

we never knew how to do this right.

we'll continure getting it all wrong.

but all wrong is the

only way we know how to

be.

(I might love -)

if I told you the truth.

would you?

splinters for sale.

2008-11-16T23:16:00.004+11:00

extracts from certain conversations held at some point this week.

guess which speaker in each conversation is me?

"you see, if he does bad things, its karma. karma will come around,"

"...but, but he's so hot!"

"yeah, thats probably why karma keeps coming round."

"was she pretty?"

"...well, she was... very nice,"

"so she wasn't pretty."

"I didn't say that! she was very nice. just not appealing to me, I'm sure there are other guys who would like her."

"yeah, but you don't think she's pretty."

"...you're evil."

"I love me! I can't stop looking in the mirror. Oh, I love you too."

"thanks for finding some space in your heart for me."

"I was thinking..."

"did it hurt?"

"I've been meaning to tell you, but I'm broke."

"do you know what this means?"

"yes I do. but tell me anyway,"

"I'm going to have to give up being straight. ten years from now, I would have moved in with my coke-snorting girlfriend with our adopted kid who will be a victim of homophobes. and it will be all your fault."

"you know, I have a cookie jar."

"well, thats nice,"

"and in this cookie jar, I have cookies. If I sell all these cookies in the cookie jar, some mystical and unknown force will allow me to obtain an enormous and unending amout of money."

"so now I won't have to be lesbian?"

"ZOMBIE!"

"Cranberries."

"yeah, but it was raspberry rice pudding for dessert,"

"and the zombie?"

"that was the topping,"

"in your head?"

[if you got this joke, kudos. if you didn't, its a fantastic song.]

''you know that french song, the one that goes..."

"yeah?"

"the beat and tune were actually stolen from an english singer who wrote the original song about a gay couple, but one of them leaves the other for a girl,"

"fascinating,"

"and the chorus actually goes 'he gives me head! ooohohoooohhh' "

"..."

"want to hear the song? I've got it here;"

"not particularly, no."

"do you live here?"

"no, just moved here from India,"

"oh, so your Indian?"

"no, I just live in Switzerland,"

"but you just said..."

"French accents put me off,"

"I'm kind of lost,"

"You'll find yourself if you travel. Just don't go to Italy. You never know when the buildings will collapse on you."

the drugs don't work!

2008-11-15T20:58:00.003+11:00

so anyway, i've finished all of my written papers now.
only have my english oral left, and i'm sort of completely free of exams for the next two weeks, until school actually ends.
awesome.

so i met yi shen yesterday.
dude was my classmate for four years or so.
then he left for australia (and didn't have to suffer through the spm).
and after nearly a year of me being here, then he decides 'hey, i know priya, lets call her.'
and he calls.
and we step out.
and spend one and a half hours talking about the randomest things and love lives.

at first i felt pretty awkward and everything (i hate being awkward, yeah), but then, it was suddenly so good to see someone i had known for ages and ages.
and all the gossip that came with him also helped (:

sometimes i feel like i need to rewire my brain, and this time match the blue wires to the blue ports.
you know, colour code it properly and everything.

tasha wanted to get tagged, so here's something for you guys.

soundtrack of my life.

opening scene.
something really weird and quirky.
likelikelike.
Ca Plane Pour Moi by Plastic Bertrand.
(yes, its french, twenty years old and fantastic.)

waking up.
Good Morning by The Clipse.

average day.
Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap.
'What the hell, is going on?'
HAHA.

first date.
uhhhh.
Ain't Got The Confidence by The Filthy Youth.

falling in love.
Brighter Than Sunshine by Aqualung.

fight scene.
Different by The Acceptance.

breaking up.
Don't Turn Away by Ra.

getting back together.
Energy by Keri Hilson.

secret love.
Burning Up For You by Karate High School.

life's okay.
Don't You Evah by The Spoon.

mental breakdown.
Gossip by Breathe Carolina.

driving.
Alabama by Paper Rival.

learning a lesson.
Hold My Hand by Unkle.

flashback.
All Star by Smashmouth.

deep thought.
I Can Tell by Saosin.

partying.
The Party Song by Forever The Sickest Kids.

happy dance.
I Like To Move It from Madagaskar.

friendship moment.
I'll Be There For You by The Remembrants.

suicidal moment.
End of All Hope by Nightwish.

one night stand.
Talk Like That by The Presets.

regreting.
I'll Cry Tomorrow by Cauterize.

long night alone.
The Rain by Foreverinmotion.

betrayal.
Pocket by Sam Sparro.

death scene.
Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve.

TAGGING:

Tasha.
Krissy.
Pathma.
Paik Hwa.
Anyone else who feels like doing this.

by the way, someone should warn the producers about bob.

What Bobthebuilder Means

You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous.
You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things.
Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.
And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.
You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.
You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.
People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

sounds like bob might attack the machines in a rebellious fit.

leave the windows open tonight.

2008-11-15T19:50:00.006+11:00

it never fails to escape my notice that;

the rattling of the windows makes her

want a little less, but a little more.

she always tries to step it up,

but her arms (today) are rather sore.

it doesn't matter;

yet

she likes feeling safe.

windows; the memories chafe;

remind her of him. and how

he'd just climb in.

ii.

her phone rings, like the silver circlet enthroned

on her ankle. rings and clings; but who phoned?

even as the bells

move slightly in time with her footsteps;

and the button is nearly as

depressed as her when she has to ask 'Who's this?'

she likes knowing who calls,

maybe he will.

maybe,

she will.

iii.

everytime she picks out a dress,

more care than she'd

(confess)

tell me.

red pink blue green.

something new, he hasn't seen.

save this for the summer.

puts it back on

(only for him)

the rack.

iv.

she loves him.

she says his name with

a little less reverence, a little more

longing.

maybe she should tell him.

maybe he

(doesn't want her)

already knows.

she braids her hair for bed, two little,

knobs on her head, so in the morning

into flowing curls it'd settle,

long and loving.

I never usually write my poems without rhyme or structure/beat; there no structure/beat whatsoever here though. I had to slip rhyme in, because it violates my personal idea of what a poem is if I don't. I usually write about broken, damaged, or unrequited love if I was left to it, but this a poem dedicated to my roommate, whom I personally love with everything I have.

Kiran, I love you, you're the voice I wake up to in the morning, whether I'm depressed or lonely, ecstatic or on cloud nine, you're always there. You're always the 'au naturel' one, the happy one, the one who eats Milo plain, who chucks Scooter Scott Ovaltines at me when I really do need them. Its been five months since we started rooming together, and you have no idea how much you've been of help, support and aid in those five months, and your hugs should be bottled, branded, and sold.

Nik loves you too.

heroine.

2008-11-12T21:44:00.001+11:00

this is all my fault.

everything.

please help me change, someone.

before its too late again.

breath on windows.

2008-11-12T19:47:00.003+11:00

I hate the way you make me say things I never thought I would.

I hate the way I act so differently around you, but still end up being me.

I hate the way you expect so much from me without saying anything about it at all.

I hate the way I tell all my friends about you, then feel ashamed that I did.

I hate the way you listen so well, but never remember anything of what I say.

I hate the way I tell you the truth, then lie to justify it.

I hate the way you make me feel inadequete, but so much more than I am.

I hate the way you tell me things to get a certain reaction, then pull me down when I don't give it to you.

I hate the way you concede to do things as if doing me favours, yet make me so happy when you do it.

I hate the way I wait and wait for you to speak to me, then punish myself when you don't.

I hate the way you don't speak to me for a week, then text asking me whats wrong, why haven't you heard from me.

I hate the way you don't look at me the way I look at you.

I hate the way you point out everything that's wrong with me, then tell me you love it.

I hate the way I have to explain the things I do for you, because you never really notice.

I hate the way you appreciate me more when you do notice.

I hate the way you appreciate me less when I do something you think is comprimising for my character.

I hate the way you sometimes don't understand.

I hate the way you make me feel hypocritical, when I know inside I'm actually not who I want to be.

I hate the way you make me cry, then talk to me like everything is alright because you didn't know you upset me.

I hate the way its so hard for me to tell you, even when I have the chance to.

I hate you.

I really do.

ohno.

2008-11-11T17:10:00.002+11:00

hey, I don't know why my last post messed up at the last bit.

seriously, why is all my technology trying to screw me over?

plastic faces.

2008-11-11T16:34:00.009+11:00

hottie for today.

oh, damn, bby.

I want that.

so Tash was ranting about how Kira Plastinina didn't deserve to be a fashion designer at 16, just because her father could afford to buy her into the business.

I have to say though, some people just get all the luck.

if my daddy was a multi-billionaire, I'd buy over New Zealand and turn it into a huge petting farm.

kooky's the word for it.

I can't believe Krissy blames me for not seeing her!

I can't help it that you're not tall enough to reach over here.

Grow a little.

Did I mention that I have an SLR, Kris?

One of those semi-pro big digital cameras?

Yeah.

Cam-whoring would never be as fun as it will be with me.

and who needs boyfriends when I have my girls?

that sounds really wrong.

anyway.

Krissy tagged me because she really has no one else to torture.

Love you Krissy.

1.Do you think you're hot?

Yeah, totally, compared to you.

2. Upload your favourite picture of you!

ETA: REMOVED.

3. Why do you like that picture?

Because its typical of me. And I'm eating Pam.

4. When was the last time you ate pizza?

Today actually, for lunch. With Rosalyn and Pam, while testing Pam for the Infertility Act [did you know that you could have IVF done if you were psychologically infertile? Meaning that you didn't want to have sex? I didn't.]

5. The last song you listened to?

Talk Like That [Optimo Espacio Remix] - The Presets

6. What are you doing right now besides this?

Trying to convince someone that I truly am loving and caring. It doesn't seem to be working though.

7.What names would you prefer besides yours?

Rhenuka, Ashvin. Prishanka would be the best though, it'd make me sound Russian.