I cannot put it into words, I cannot stand it
why must the best way be the most heartbreaking;
the most
painful.

and the knowledge that it has all been my fault really just doesn't help things along.

lets keep it simple, lets keep it safe.

short posts for now.
exams ending on:

november 18th

until then, my life in shambles scramble.

hello 100th post.



it matters.
you matter.
I matter.
mattering metaphorically makes me feel better.

so you make me feel better; but how does better really field?

so this is my ninety-ninth post and somehow this makes it special I suppose.

ninety nine red balloons in a sky of mine and shine.
do you know that things like that are called internal rhymes?
I'll rhyme for a dime in my own time.
hello little world I like to call lame and lonely.

because (sorry ninety-ninth post for stealing all your thunder) I am lonely.

not in the oh-my-god-she-sits-alone-at-lunch kind of thing because I will never sit alone at lunch, and anyway I don't care about sitting alone at lunch. I've done it enough times, and there's no big deal.
I'm lonely in the oh-my-god-I-haven't-spoken-to-him-in-a-week kind of lonely.

oh god, I haven't spoken to him in a week.

this is chill.
I'm chill.

I don't know, its like catching snowflakes on my fingertips and watching them melt away.
watching them melt.
away.

it has been a stressful past week; mainly due to how screwed up my computer has been, and the repercussions of not being able to contact people I can't bear missing even if its for a single day.
brought my lappie to the CCC about four times, and each time they just couldn't fix it, those nasty twits.
until ashie (indian guy) decided to wipe my hard drive clean to get rid of those eveel spywarez.
so he did.

now I'm stuck here with a computer I barely recognise, but with working MSN and a clean start.
its like taking your child away from you and replacing it with a newborn baby.
a new, clean slate, but its just not the same.
oh well, I'm giving this baby in about a month's time, so thats long enough for me to survive.

after that, well;

after that, I'm wishing on a star for a beautiful block of carved lightweight aluminium.
hello, macbook pro.


so I make light of things you say;
the thing you said.
I tease and push and pull and I meld,
but really, I'm trying to tear through thin sheets of mercury to get to your head.
inside, inside;
we're digging ourselves in deeper.

now I lose my focus and you lose your touch,
I cling to electrical boxes shaded in and coloured,
fitted together like you should me,
and every construction that requires more;
I reply within the hour.

you reply from within the heart.

I think you are -
beautiful, like how I would imagine the way dandelions sway;
lets tell the time.
lets tell of love,
lets be.

40 days.

I am so addicted to Swarm, its not funny;
thanks, Martina, for introducing this to me and feeding my innate homicidal tendencies.
its just so therapeutic, and stress-relieving, to throw people across my screen, and try to beat the splatter velocity.

I know you can't tell, but I took a ten minute break after that last paragraph to play Swarm again.

anyway.
a month till exams.
yeeehawwwww.
anyone as pumped as I am?

england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england england.

hopefully.



because you make me want to curl every strand of hair I have around every third finger.
sometimes breathing is a luxury, because having you is a privilege.

sharing,

is what I'd call the way we push our heads close together so your hair looks like my hair and my hair looks like you lost your razor again.

moving back tomorrow moving back tomorrow moving back tomorrow.

I always did things in threes.

exams over for now.

november, here I come.